The Hidden Dynamics of Relationships
In every relationship, there are unspoken roles that partners unconsciously adopt—patterns shaped by past experiences, attachment styles, and unprocessed emotions. These roles can create conflict, misunderstandings, and feelings of disconnection. What if there were a way to bring these hidden dynamics to the surface in a safe, structured way?
Inspired by the social deduction game Werewolf (also known as Mafia), we can introduce an experiential exercise in couples therapy to help partners identify the roles they unconsciously play and how these impact their relationship.
Exercise: “Hidden Agendas in Our Relationship”
Objective:
• To reveal unspoken roles each partner unconsciously plays.
• To explore trust, miscommunication, and hidden fears in the couple dynamic.
• To foster self-awareness and empathy by understanding each other’s patterns.
Step 1: Setting the Stage
Explain to the couple that relationships often involve hidden motivations, misinterpretations, and power struggles, much like in the game Werewolf. In this exercise, each partner will be assigned a secret role and will discuss a fictional relationship scenario while subtly enacting their role.
Step 2: Assigning Roles (Secretly)
Each partner receives a role privately. Some possible roles include:
• The Truth-Seeker – Wants clarity but struggles to trust.
• The Protector – Defends the other, even when they’re unsure why.
• The Skeptic – Doubts everything, often assuming deception or bad intent.
• The Manipulator – Tries to subtly control the conversation.
• The Peacemaker – Avoids conflict at all costs.
• The Victim – Feels unfairly treated and seeks sympathy.
• The Blamer – Finds fault with the partner rather than self-reflecting.
Step 3: The Scenario
A fictional scenario is introduced, such as:
“One partner feels unheard in decision-making about money, parenting, or intimacy. How do you address this conflict?”
Each partner engages in a discussion while embodying their secret role.
Step 4: Observing the Interaction
As the therapist, observe:
• Who dominates the conversation?
• Who withdraws or deflects?
• Who assumes bad faith or misinterprets the other?
• What emotions arise (anger, frustration, resignation, guilt)?
• How does this resemble their real-life communication patterns?
Step 5: The Reveal
After the discussion, each partner guesses the other’s role before the true roles are revealed. Then, they reflect:
• Did your role feel familiar?
• Do you play this role in real conflicts?
• What was it like being on the receiving end of your partner’s role?
Step 6: Reflection & Unconscious Patterns
Guide them to deeper reflection:
• How do these roles show up in real-life conflicts?
• Are these roles protecting them from vulnerability?
• Are they repeating past relational patterns (e.g., childhood dynamics)?
• What fears drive these behaviors (fear of abandonment, rejection, control, losing power, etc.)?
Step 7: Integrating Insights
• Discuss what needs to shift in their communication.
• Help them develop new roles, such as:
• The Truth-Seeker → The Open Communicator
• The Blamer → The Self-Reflective Partner
• The Skeptic → The Trust-Builder
Case Study: Co-Founders in Conflict
Meet Luc and Antoine, co-founders of a Parisian tech startup. Though not romantically involved, their business partnership mirrors many dynamics found in couples therapy. They sought therapy after months of increasing tension, where Luc felt Antoine was making unilateral decisions, and Antoine believed Luc was overly critical and resistant to change.
During the Hidden Agendas exercise, Luc was secretly assigned the role of The Skeptic, while Antoine was given The Blamer. In the discussion, Luc questioned every suggestion Antoine made, assuming bad intent, while Antoine became defensive and blamed Luc for holding the company back.
The reveal was an eye-opener: Luc recognized that his skepticism came from past experiences of being overshadowed in previous business ventures, while Antoine realized that his tendency to blame was linked to childhood experiences of being held responsible for family conflicts. By making these unconscious roles explicit, they were able to shift toward collaborative decision-making and mutual validation, rather than defaulting to distrust and blame.
Why This Works in Psychodynamic Therapy
This experiential exercise aligns with psychodynamic principles by bringing unconscious roles to the surface in a non-confrontational way. Rather than discussing patterns abstractly, partners experience them in real-time, making it easier to recognize and shift behaviors.
Through this approach, couples—and even business partners—can develop deeper self-awareness, empathy, and healthier communication patterns—moving from hidden agendas to conscious, constructive dialogue.
Would you like to explore how unconscious roles shape your relationship? Consider bringing this exercise into therapy and uncovering the hidden dynamics at play.
By Ari Sotiriou M.A. psychodynamic individual and couples psychotherapist
enquiries@online-therapy-clinic.com
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Photo credit: https://unsplash.com/@jontyson
Werewolf is a social deduction game where players take on the roles of villagers or werewolves, and the goal is either for the villagers to identify and eliminate all the werewolves or for the werewolves to outnumber the villagers.
Basic Setup:
• Players: 8-18 players, with a moderator to guide the game.
• Roles:
• Werewolves: Secretly work together to eliminate the villagers.
• Villagers: Must identify and vote off werewolves.
• Special Roles (optional, depending on the version):
• Seer: Can learn a player’s role each night.
• Doctor: Can protect one player from elimination each night.
• Hunter: If eliminated, can take another player down with them.
Gameplay:
1. Night Phase: Players close their eyes, and the werewolves silently choose a victim. Special roles (e.g., Seer or Doctor) then take their actions.
2. Day Phase: Players open their eyes, and the moderator announces who was eliminated by the werewolves (if anyone). The group then discusses who they believe the werewolves are. Players vote to eliminate one person based on the discussion. If they are wrong, that person is out, and the game continues.
3. The game alternates between day and night phases until either all werewolves are eliminated or the werewolves have outnumbered the villagers.
Strategy:
• Villagers need to gather clues and use logical reasoning to figure out who the werewolves are, often relying on behavior or voting patterns.
• Werewolves try to blend in, deceive the villagers, and eliminate them without being caught.