Many people come to therapy with a simple, heartfelt wish: I just want to feel better.
It might be anxiety that never switches off, recurring conflict in a relationship, or persistent low self-worth. Whether in individual or couples therapy, this yearning for emotional relief is often what brings someone through the door.
But early in the process, we often encounter a difficult truth: while we can’t directly control our thoughts or feelings, we can begin to change our behaviour. And through that, we can profoundly shift how we experience ourselves and others.
Thoughts, Feelings, and Behaviour: A Three-Way Conversation
Both British Psychoanalytic Theory and Cognitive Behavioural Therapy (CBT) help us understand the connection between thoughts, feelings, and actions. While psychoanalytic approaches explore the unconscious roots of our emotional world, CBT gives us structured tools to observe and influence the here-and-now patterns that maintain distress.
Both agree on a vital point: behaviour is the most accessible place to begin change.
To deepen this, it’s helpful to distinguish between two types of behaviour:
Overt and Covert Behaviour
- Overt behaviour includes the visible, external actions we take—speaking, withdrawing, shouting, reaching out.
- Covert behaviour includes the internal actions we take silently—self-talk, mental rehearsal, avoidance through distraction, or imagining worst-case scenarios.
Most people aren’t aware they’re engaging in covert behaviour. But these internal patterns—particularly when they become automatic—shape our emotional experiences just as powerfully as the things we do outwardly.
Case Study: Anna and the Inner Critic
Anna (not her real name), a woman in her mid-thirties, came to therapy struggling with social anxiety. Her aim was straightforward: to “feel less anxious.”
As we explored together, we identified a familiar cycle:
- She would enter a social setting.
- A harsh internal voice would judge her every move.
- Anxiety would spike.
- She would retreat—sometimes physically, often mentally.
This covert behaviour—constant self-criticism—was like a soundtrack she couldn’t turn off. Her overt response was silence, avoidance, or leaving situations early.
With time, we explored the origins of that critical voice. Drawing from psychoanalytic theory, Anna recognised echoes of her father’s disapproval in how she now spoke to herself. That voice had been internalised, becoming her own.
Through CBT exercises and reflective work, Anna began naming the inner critic as a covert behaviour—and challenging its authority. She tried new overt responses: staying in conversations, gently asserting herself, and choosing self-compassion over self-judgement.
One day, she told me:
“The thoughts were there, but I didn’t run. I stayed, even though it was hard. And it didn’t destroy me.”
This was a turning point—not the end of her anxiety, but the beginning of her freedom from it.
Couples Therapy: From Blame to Behaviour
In couples therapy, a different dynamic often emerges. Each partner usually arrives with a list of what they want the other to change.
This can feel logical—if they change, we’ll be fine. But therapy reframes the question. Instead of focusing on controlling the other person’s behaviour, we explore: How do I influence the experience my partner has of me?
James and Leila, a couple with two children, described their relationship as “functional but distant.” He wanted more emotional connection; she wanted less pressure. Their overt behaviour was patterned—he pursued, she withdrew.
But beneath that were layers of covert behaviour:
- James imagined being unwanted and braced for rejection.
- Leila rehearsed defences in her head and mentally prepared for blame.
As we worked together, each began noticing their own automatic reactions—not just what they felt, but what they did (internally and externally) in response.
James learned to express vulnerability without pressure. Leila learned to stay emotionally present even when overwhelmed.
He later shared:
“When I stopped trying to get her to respond a certain way, and just told her what I felt without expecting anything, it softened something between us.”
Behaviour changed. The relationship changed. And not because one person fixed the other—but because both chose to shift how they showed up.
Why This Matters
Understanding overt and covert behaviour gives us language for things we often experience but can’t describe. It helps us stop blaming our emotions—or our partners—and start responding to our lives with more intention.
- We can’t stop a painful memory from surfacing, but we can choose not to spiral with it.
- We can’t control our partner’s mood, but we can change how we respond to it.
- We can’t silence every anxious thought, but we can learn to stop obeying it.
In therapy, we don’t aim to get rid of difficult feelings. We aim to relate to them differently—with more awareness, flexibility, and choice.
Ready to Start the Conversation?
If anything in this post feels familiar—if you’re caught in cycles of self-criticism, anxiety, or conflict—you don’t have to work through it alone.
I offer online therapy for individuals and couples, grounded in relational depth, clinical experience, and a belief that change begins with understanding.
Let’s explore what’s possible, together.
👉 Book an introductory session or get in touch here.
Ari Sotiriou
Online Therapy for Individuals and Couples
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Photo credit: Tima Miroshnichenko @Pexels