In the world of Information Technology, a “protocol” is a set of rules that governs how data is exchanged between systems. One of the most fundamental concepts is the handshake: a process where two points acknowledge each other, verify that they are ready to communicate, and confirm that a message has been received exactly as it was sent. Without this, “packet loss” occurs—information is sent, but it is corrupted or lost in transit.
In my work as a psychotherapist, I often observe a similar “packet loss” in human relationships. Whether in a marriage or in one’s internal dialogue, we frequently “broadcast” messages that are never truly received. Instead, they are intercepted by the listener’s defences, leading to a breakdown in the “system.”
To remedy this, I have developed a communication protocol based on five distinct steps. This method is designed to move us away from reactive “ping-pong” arguments and towards a state of Relational Containment.
1. Decoding the Transmitter’s Ego State
When we are on the receiving end of a communication, our first instinct is often to listen to what is being said so we can prepare a rebuttal. However, the protocol requires us to first identify who is speaking from a psychodynamic perspective.
In Transactional Analysis, we look at “Ego States.” Is your partner or interlocutor speaking from a Nominal Adult position—calm, factual, and present? Or are they “out of balance”? Perhaps they have regressed into a Child-like state (feeling vulnerable, overwhelmed, or reactive) or a Persecutory Parent state (critical, commanding, or shaming).
By registering their emotional state first, you gain vital data. You are no longer just hearing words; you are witnessing a psychological “position.” This awareness allows you to remain grounded in your own Adult state rather than being “hooked” into a complementary reactive role.
2. Recording without Defence
The second step is perhaps the most challenging: recording the message. In a standard IT handshake, the receiver does not argue with the data; it simply stores it.
In human terms, this means suppressing the urge to justify, defend, or explain your side of the story while the other person is speaking. From a psychodynamic viewpoint, this is an act of Holding. You are creating a space where the other person’s reality can exist without being immediately annihilated by your own. You are not agreeing with the message; you are simply ensuring it is accurately “buffered” in your mind.
3. The Return Signal: Reflecting the “Read”
Once the sender has finished, the receiver must “reply” not with an opinion, but with a confirmation of the reading. This involves communicating two things:
- The Emotional State: “I hear that you are speaking from a place of great concern/anxiety/anger.”
- The Factual Statement: “The message I have recorded is that you feel [X] when [Y] happens.”
This is a form of Mirroring. For many, being truly mirrored is a profound therapeutic experience. It signals to the sender’s nervous system that they have been seen and heard, which often de-escalates the “Child” or “Parent” ego states back into a regulated “Adult” position.
4. Verification
After the return signal, the protocol requires a pause. The receiver waits for the sender to confirm: “Yes, that is exactly what I meant,” or “No, you missed the part about [Z].”
We do not move forward until the handshake is complete. This prevents the common “cross-talk” where two people spend twenty minutes arguing about two entirely different topics because the initial message was never verified.
5. Reflective Containment
Finally, if the communication is significant, the protocol allows for—and encourages—time. In our fast-paced culture, we feel pressured to have an immediate answer. However, meaningful change requires Reflective Functioning.
If the message requires further thought or research, it is vital to take that time. This is not “stonewalling” or avoidance; it is an act of respect. You are stating: “This communication is important enough that it merits my full attention and time to produce a thoughtful reply.” This allows the “data” to be processed through the higher cortical functions of the brain, rather than the impulsive amygdala.
Conclusion
By adopting a formal protocol, individuals and couples can transform their communication from a source of trauma into a source of connection. We move from a “collision” of ego states to a structured “handshake” of mutual recognition.
If you find that your communication “packets” are consistently getting lost, or if you wish to explore these psychodynamic patterns further, I invite you to reach out for a consultation.
To learn more about my practice or to book a session, please visit: online-therapy-clinic.com
Aritogeiton (Ari) Sotiriou,
UK accredited psychotherapist BACP UKCP BPC