In my work as a UK-accredited psychotherapist, I often meet individuals and couples who struggle with a modern contradiction: we are constantly connected, yet many people feel deeply alone.
Most of us keep our smartphones within reach all day. We fall asleep beside them and wake up to them. This constant physical closeness can create a strong sense of emotional connection — but it is often misleading. Psychoanalytic ideas can help us understand why digital relationships feel so intense, and why experiences such as ghosting or online betrayal can feel so painful.
1. The Smartphone as a Comfort Object
The psychoanalyst Donald Winnicott described how children often form strong attachments to a favourite toy or blanket. He called this a transitional object. It helps a child feel safe when a parent is absent, offering comfort during moments of anxiety or loneliness.
For many adults today, the smartphone plays a similar role. We reach for it when we feel bored, uneasy, or disconnected. The device becomes more than a piece of technology — it becomes a way of feeling close to others.
When messages stop or someone suddenly disappears, the sense of comfort vanishes. This can feel surprisingly distressing, as if a source of emotional reassurance has been abruptly removed.
2. Why Online Relationships Can Feel Extreme
Another important psychoanalyst, Melanie Klein, observed that infants struggle to see people as complex and mixed. Instead, they tend to split their experiences into extremes: someone is either completely good and comforting, or frustrating and absent.
Digital communication can encourage similar reactions. When messages are warm and frequent, the other person may seem caring and attentive. When replies slow down or stop, that same person can suddenly feel distant or uncaring.
Because we mostly see carefully chosen snapshots of others online, it becomes harder to remember that people are complex, busy, and emotionally mixed. Small changes in communication can therefore trigger strong feelings of rejection or anxiety.
3. Different Parts of the Self in Digital Communication
Eric Berne, founder of Transactional Analysis, suggested that we shift between three psychological states:
Parent — the part that judges, instructs, or cares for others Adult — the rational part that focuses on the present moment Child — the emotional part that seeks comfort, reassurance, or excitement
Digital communication often draws us into the Child state. Online interactions can feel playful, immediate, and removed from real-world consequences. This can lead people to send messages or images they later regret, or to behave in ways that harm their relationships.
The same pattern appears when people try to attend therapy sessions while driving, walking, or multitasking. It becomes difficult to remain emotionally present. Therapy requires the steadiness and focus of the Adult state.
4. Emotional Maturity and Whole Relationships
Melanie Klein also described a developmental step towards emotional maturity. This involves recognising that a loved person can sometimes disappoint us and still care about us deeply.
In adult relationships, this means understanding that a delayed message does not necessarily signal rejection, and that misunderstandings can be repaired.
Emotional growth involves accepting complexity — in ourselves and in others. It also means recognising when online behaviour has caused real emotional pain in a relationship that matters.
5. Creating Space for Real Emotional Contact
In my practice, I encourage clear boundaries for online therapy sessions. This means sitting still, using a stable device, and giving the session your full attention.
Placing the phone on a table and creating a quiet space helps shift from distracted communication to meaningful emotional contact. Therapy works best when two people are fully present with each other.
Digital communication can support relationships, but it cannot replace the depth that comes from focused, real-time human connection.
Quality Over Connectivity: “There is a significant difference between being reachable and being present. Therapy offers a stationary space to disconnect from the wall of noise and reconnect with yourself.”
Taking the Next Step
If you feel hurt by online experiences, struggle with digital boundaries, or feel distant from your partner despite constant messaging, support is available.
I offer individual and couples therapy online via secure live video sessions. Together, we can explore the emotional patterns behind digital habits and strengthen your capacity for open, grounded relationships.
If you would like to arrange an initial consultation, you are welcome to get in touch through my profile.
Ari Sotiriou
UK-accredited Psychotherapist
Online Individual and Couples Therapy