In the delicate formation of a new marriage, there is a third, often invisible presence: the Internalised Parent. For couples like Demir and Eleni, the struggle is rarely just between two people; it is a negotiation between the “ghosts” of their respective homelands and the new identity they forged together on neutral ground.
The Protagonists: A Study in Intercultural Integration
Demir and Eleni represent a modern, cosmopolitan union—one built on shared intellectual values and professional ambition in London’s “neutral” secular space. However, their move to Istanbul has stripped away that neutral veneer, exposing the raw nerves of their individual histories. Demir, who navigated the profound loss of his father at eighteen, carries the weight of being the “man of the house” in a traditional structure while simultaneously striving to maintain a modern, egalitarian partnership. Eleni, coming from a family dynamic where silence was the primary survival strategy against a dominant maternal figure, now finds that her old tools for peace-keeping are the very things threatening her marriage’s stability.
The Significance of Psychological Milestones
In the British Psychoanalytic tradition, the transition from “Child” to “Adult” is not marked by age, but by the successful negotiation of differentiation—the ability to remain connected to one’s family while maintaining a separate, autonomous self. For Demir and Eleni, this move to Istanbul is a “delayed” psychological milestone. They are being asked to do the difficult work of Mourning the Idealised Parent: letting go of the child’s need for parental approval in order to prioritise the “Third Space” of their marriage. This is the stage where a couple truly becomes a “Family of Choice,” a process that requires the courage to set boundaries that may feel, to the Internalised Parent, like a betrayal, but are in fact an act of marital survival.
The Myth of the ‘Invader’ and the Maternal Attack
Demir and Eleni met in the academic sanctuary of a UK postgraduate programme, eventually building a life in the fast-paced, secular environment of London’s financial district. In the UK, their “couples language” was English—a neutral territory that belonged to neither. However, their recent move to Demir’s birth city, Istanbul, has reactivated old family scripts.
When Eleni’s mother—visiting from Greece—openly criticises Demir’s “masculinity” or speaks Greek to exclude him, she is performing what the British psychoanalyst Joan Riviere might describe as a “defensive disparagement.” By attacking Demir’s competence in his own city, she attempts to reclaim her daughter from a “foreign” influence. For Demir, the anger he feels is a protest against being made a stranger in his own home, a feeling exacerbated by the early loss of his father and his own struggle to define boundaries with his caring but intrusive mother.
The Fortress of Silence: The Daughter’s Conflict
Eleni’s response to her mother’s provocations—withdrawing into a “quiet” neutrality—is a classic manifestation of a Withdrawal Defence. Drawing from W.R.D. Fairbairn’s object relations theory, we can see that Eleni likely learned early on that the only way to survive a dominant mother and a withdrawn father was to retreat into an internal citadel.
In the context of her marriage to Demir, however, this silence is experienced as an abandonment. By not intervening, Eleni unconsciously repeats the family pattern: the father remains silent while the mother dominates. To protect her union, Eleni must undergo the painful process of differentiation—moving from the “Child Ego State” (hoping the conflict passes) to an “Adult” position that acknowledges her mother’s behaviour as a threat to the marital “holding environment.”
Finding a Way Forward: Relational Strategies
For a couple navigating these turbulent waters, the goal is to protect the “Third Space”—the unique culture they built together in London—against the encroaching demands of their families of origin.
1. For the Husband: Securing the Internal Boundary
Demir’s “safe place” cannot be granted by his mother-in-law; it must be reinforced within the marriage. By recognising that the attacks are a reflection of the mother-in-law’s own unresolved anxieties about “losing” her daughter to another culture, Demir can begin to “de-identify” with her criticisms. He is not “lesser” because he doesn’t speak her language; he is the architect of a sophisticated, trilingual future for his family.
2. For the Wife: The Act of ‘Taking Sides’
In the British Psychoanalytic School, particularly within the Independent Group, there is a focus on the therapist (and the partner) providing a “holding environment.” Eleni must now provide this for her marriage. Protecting Demir involves setting clear “relational boundaries”:
- The Linguistic Boundary: Insisting on English (the couple’s shared language) during family gatherings to ensure no one is “exiled” from the conversation.
- The Protective Intervention: Naming the behaviour in the moment. “Mother, when you exclude Demir, it creates a distance between us that I am not comfortable with.”
3. For the Families: Finding a Peaceful Position
The “Matriarchal” aggression often stems from a fear of being rendered obsolete. For Eleni’s mother to find peace, the couple must offer her a defined role that is not “Director.” If she is given a clear, bounded place as a guest or a respected elder, rather than a judge, the anxiety that fuels her attacks may subside.
Conclusion: The Work of the New Generation
The path for Demir and Eleni involves what Donald Winnicott might call the “destruction” of the old family images so that a new, real relationship can emerge. It requires Eleni to “betray” the silence of her childhood to save the voice of her marriage.
Only by standing together against these ancestral shadows can they ensure that their own future children are born into a family defined by curiosity and mutual respect, rather than the heavy weight of old national and familial resentments.
To bridge the gap between understanding these dynamics and implementing real change, I have developed a practical tool for you to use together. This resource is designed to help you move from the reactive “Child” or “Parent” ego states—which often mirror the patterns of your families of origin—into a proactive, “Adult” partnership. By mapping out your shared boundaries, you can begin to reinforce the “Third Space” of your marriage, ensuring that your home in Istanbul remains a sanctuary of mutual respect and emotional safety.
Creating Your Own “Third Culture”
Defining boundaries with your family of origin is rarely a simple task, particularly in intercultural marriages where “independence” and “loyalty” can have vastly different cultural meanings. If the themes of this post resonate with you, it may be time to move beyond the “tug-of-war” and begin building a resilient, shared identity for your partnership.
In therapy, we work to move beyond “taking sides.” Instead, we focus on understanding the deep-seated loyalties each partner carries, helping you create a unique set of values and boundaries that belong solely to your new family unit.
Specialist Psychodynamic Support for Intercultural Couples
I provide Individual and Couples Therapy via a secure video link for clients in the United Kingdom and internationally, helping you reconcile your heritage with your future.
Have a question or ready to book an initial consultation?
Scan the QR code below or click the link to start a confidential conversation via WhatsApp.
Message Ari Sotiriou on WhatsApp
Ari Sotiriou
UK Accredited Psychotherapist
Psychodynamic Individual & Couples Therapy
Photo Credit: Image by Abdulhadi Khashfa via Pexels