By Ari Sotiriou MA PGDip psychodynamic psychotherapist
“Why are you always criticising me?”
It is a phrase heard in countless relationships.
One partner raises a concern. Perhaps they would like more communication, more emotional openness, or simply more presence. Instead of hearing the message, the other partner hears something else entirely:
“You’re not good enough.”
What follows is often predictable. An argument begins. One partner feels unheard. The other feels attacked. Both leave the conversation feeling lonely and misunderstood.
Many couples assume this is simply a communication problem. Sometimes it is. But often something deeper is happening beneath the surface.
The ability to receive feedback without becoming defensive is one of the hallmarks of emotional maturity. Yet for many men—and women too—feedback from a partner can feel surprisingly painful.
Why?
The answer often lies not in the present relationship, but in emotional experiences that began much earlier in life.
The Difference Between Criticism and Feedback
Before going any further, it is important to distinguish between criticism and feedback.
Criticism attacks the person.
Feedback addresses behaviour.
For example:
“You’re selfish.”
is criticism.
“I feel lonely when we spend the whole evening looking at our phones.”
is feedback.
The distinction may seem obvious on paper. Yet in relationships the line often becomes blurred.
A partner may genuinely be expressing a need, but the person receiving it experiences it as a personal attack.
This gap between what is said and what is heard can become one of the most destructive forces in a relationship.
When Something Never Quite Developed
British Psychoanalytic Theory has long been interested in how early relationships shape our emotional lives.
Psychoanalysts such as Donald Winnicott, John Bowlby and Wilfred Bion described how children develop a sense of self through relationships with caregivers.
A child who feels seen, understood and emotionally held gradually develops an internal sense of worth.
They begin to believe:
- I matter.
- My feelings make sense.
- I can survive disappointment.
- I do not need to be perfect to be loved.
No childhood is perfect. Emotional development does not require perfect parents.
However, when important emotional needs are repeatedly unmet, something can remain unfinished.
The child may unconsciously develop a different set of beliefs:
- Something is wrong with me.
- I am not enough.
- If people see the real me, they will reject me.
These beliefs often remain outside conscious awareness. Yet they continue influencing relationships decades later.
The Invisible Wound of Inadequacy
Many adults who appear confident carry a hidden sense of inadequacy.
They may achieve professionally.
They may be attractive.
They may have successful friendships.
Yet underneath there remains a fragile question:
“Am I actually good enough?”
Because this question feels so threatening, the person develops ways of protecting themselves from it.
Some become perfectionists.
Some withdraw emotionally.
Some become highly independent.
Some avoid vulnerability altogether.
Others become defensive whenever they feel criticised.
Defensiveness often looks like confidence.
In reality it is frequently the opposite.
The person is not protecting their ego from a minor disagreement.
They are protecting themselves from a much older emotional wound.
Why Relationships Trigger Old Pain
Romantic relationships are unique.
Unlike friendships or work relationships, intimate partnerships activate our deepest attachment needs.
We want to be loved.
We want to be chosen.
We want to feel important to another person.
Because of this, romantic relationships often awaken unresolved childhood experiences.
A partner’s complaint about communication may unconsciously feel like parental disappointment.
A request for more intimacy may feel like evidence of personal failure.
A disagreement may feel like impending abandonment.
The emotional reaction can therefore be far larger than the situation itself warrants.
The partner thinks they are discussing a practical issue.
The other person experiences a threat to their entire sense of self.
The Defensive Cycle
A common pattern emerges.
One partner says:
“I wish you would talk to me more.”
The other hears:
“You’re failing.”
They become defensive.
Perhaps they explain.
Perhaps they justify.
Perhaps they counterattack.
Perhaps they withdraw completely.
The first partner now feels unheard.
Their frustration grows.
Their requests become more urgent.
Eventually feedback becomes criticism.
Arguments become more frequent.
Both partners become increasingly hurt.
Ironically, neither person is getting what they truly need.
One wants connection.
The other wants acceptance.
Both end up feeling alone.
What CBT Says About This Pattern
Cognitive Behavioural Therapy (CBT) offers a complementary understanding.
CBT suggests that our emotional reactions are influenced not simply by events, but by the meanings we attach to them.
A request from a partner is an event.
The interpretation is what matters.
Consider two men hearing exactly the same sentence:
“I wish we spent more time talking.”
The first thinks:
“She wants us to feel closer.”
The second thinks:
“I’m failing as a boyfriend.”
The emotional outcomes will be very different.
CBT refers to these deeply held assumptions as core beliefs.
Many defensive reactions stem from core beliefs such as:
- I am not good enough.
- I am a disappointment.
- I will eventually be rejected.
- I must never make mistakes.
- Showing weakness is dangerous.
Once these beliefs become active, the mind begins filtering information through them.
Neutral comments become criticism.
Requests become demands.
Disagreements become threats.
The person reacts not to what was actually said, but to what they believe it means.
Why Young Men Often Struggle
Many young men arrive in therapy confused by relationship difficulties.
They genuinely love their partner.
They want the relationship to succeed.
Yet they repeatedly find themselves arguing, withdrawing or shutting down.
Part of the difficulty may be cultural.
Many boys grow up receiving limited emotional education.
They learn how to solve problems.
They learn how to perform.
They learn how to achieve.
But they are rarely taught how to recognise and regulate vulnerable emotions such as shame, fear or sadness.
As adults, these emotions do not disappear.
Instead, they often emerge disguised as anger, defensiveness or emotional distance.
A man may insist:
“I’m not upset.”
while simultaneously becoming increasingly argumentative.
The problem is not a lack of intelligence.
It is often a lack of emotional language.
Therapy can help bridge that gap.
The Partner Cannot Do the Work for You
One of the most painful realities in relationships is that love alone cannot create emotional growth.
A caring partner may see enormous potential in someone.
They may remain patient.
They may encourage.
They may support.
But they cannot heal another person’s unresolved wounds.
Eventually many partners become exhausted.
They stop feeling like lovers and begin feeling like therapists, parents or coaches.
This shift often damages attraction and intimacy.
A healthy relationship requires two adults taking responsibility for their own emotional development.
Support is helpful.
Rescue is not.
What Emotional Maturity Actually Looks Like
Emotional maturity is not perfection.
It does not mean never becoming upset.
It does not mean always agreeing.
It means developing the capacity to stay engaged when difficult feelings arise.
An emotionally mature response might sound like:
- “That was difficult to hear.”
- “Part of me feels criticised.”
- “Can you help me understand what you need?”
- “I need a little time to think about this.”
Notice that none of these responses involve blame.
They involve curiosity.
Curiosity is often the opposite of defensiveness.
How Individual Therapy Can Help
Whether through psychodynamic therapy or CBT, therapy creates a space to understand what lies beneath defensive reactions.
Psychodynamic therapy focuses on exploring the emotional origins of current patterns.
Questions might include:
- What experiences shaped your sense of self?
- How did your family handle emotions?
- What happens inside you when someone is disappointed with you?
- What fears emerge during conflict?
Over time, clients often discover that present-day relationship struggles are connected to much older emotional experiences.
CBT approaches the problem from another angle.
Together, therapist and client identify:
- Unhelpful core beliefs.
- Automatic thoughts.
- Emotional triggers.
- Behavioural patterns.
Clients learn practical skills for challenging distorted thinking and responding differently.
Although the approaches differ, both share the same goal:
Greater emotional freedom.
When Couples Therapy Can Help
Sometimes the relationship itself becomes trapped in a repeating cycle.
Neither partner is entirely responsible.
Neither partner is entirely innocent.
Both contribute to a pattern that keeps recreating the same painful outcome.
Psychodynamic couples therapy helps partners understand not only what they are arguing about but why they keep arguing about it.
Beneath practical disagreements often lie deeper fears:
- Fear of rejection.
- Fear of abandonment.
- Fear of dependence.
- Fear of inadequacy.
When these fears become visible, couples often experience a profound shift.
Arguments that once seemed impossible to resolve suddenly make more sense.
The goal is not to determine who is right.
The goal is to understand what each partner is protecting.
A Different Way of Hearing Feedback
Imagine hearing your partner say:
“I need more from this relationship.”
Instead of hearing:
“You’re not enough.”
you hear:
“This relationship matters enough to fight for.”
The words are similar.
The meaning is entirely different.
This shift does not happen through willpower alone.
It usually requires self-reflection, emotional growth and sometimes professional support.
But it is possible.
Every day, people learn to hear feedback without collapsing into shame.
Every day, couples learn to move from blame to understanding.
Every day, relationships become stronger because someone develops the courage to listen differently.
Final Thoughts
If feedback from your partner often feels like an attack, it may be worth asking a deeper question.
What exactly feels threatened?
Is your partner criticising you?
Or has an old wound been activated?
The answer is not always obvious.
Yet understanding the difference can transform both your relationship and your relationship with yourself.
Growth begins when we stop asking:
“Why are they attacking me?”
and start asking:
“What is this reaction trying to protect?”
That question is often the beginning of meaningful change.
And sometimes it is the beginning of therapy.
Call to Action
If you recognise yourself in these patterns, whether as an individual struggling with defensiveness or as part of a couple caught in repeated arguments, therapy can help.
At Online Therapy Clinic, we offer both psychodynamic psychotherapy and Cognitive Behavioural Therapy (CBT) for individuals, as well as psychodynamic couples therapy for heterosexual and same-sex couples.
Alongside this article, we have created a practical worksheet with exercises for individuals and couples. It can help you begin reflecting on your relationship patterns, communication style, and emotional triggers before starting therapy, or support the work you are already doing in therapy.
You can access the worksheet here: Interactive Worksheet: When Feedback Feels Like and Attack
If you would like to explore these issues further, contact us to arrange an initial consultation.
Photo credit: Riza Yilddirim @Pexels.com