By Ari Sotiriou MA PGDip psychodynamic psychotherapist
Many couples come to therapy believing that their biggest problem is disagreement. They disagree about where to live, whether to have children, how to spend money, whose career should take priority, or how much time to spend with extended family.
The disagreement itself is rarely the deepest problem.
What often creates suffering is how the disagreement is managed. Instead of approaching the issue as two people trying to solve a shared problem, each partner begins defending their own position. Gradually, the conversation changes from “How can we solve this together?” into “How can I persuade you that I’m right?”
Without noticing it, the relationship shifts from “us versus the problem” to “me versus you.”
The worksheet accompanying this article has been designed to interrupt that pattern.
Every Relationship Creates a Third Space
One of the most important ideas in couples therapy is that a healthy relationship becomes something more than simply two individuals living alongside one another.
It develops into a shared psychological space.
This doesn’t mean losing your individuality. Healthy relationships require two people who retain their own identities, interests and ambitions. But alongside those separate identities, something new also develops—the relationship itself.
You might think of it as a third member of the partnership.
Whenever important decisions arise, there are no longer only two sets of needs to consider.
There are three.
- What do I need?
- What do you need?
- What does our relationship need?
Many couples forget about the third question.
When that happens, every decision feels like a negotiation between two competing individuals instead of an investment in a shared future.
Why Arguments Become Circular
Imagine one partner has been offered an exciting promotion abroad.
The other has an established career, close family nearby, and children settled in school.
Both positions make complete sense.
If each person only argues for their own needs, the conversation quickly becomes repetitive.
One speaks about opportunity.
The other speaks about stability.
Neither feels understood because each is trying to protect something deeply important.
After several conversations, both begin repeating themselves more loudly rather than listening more carefully.
Eventually they conclude:
“We’re incompatible.”
Often they are not.
They simply haven’t yet discovered what lies underneath their positions.
Positions Are Usually Defending Something Deeper
Psychodynamic therapy encourages us to become curious about what our preferences represent emotionally.
A wish to stay where you are may not simply be about geography.
It may represent safety.
Continuity.
Family.
Belonging.
Likewise, wanting to move may not simply be about career advancement.
It may represent freedom.
Recognition.
Achievement.
A chance finally to become the person you’ve always hoped to be.
Once these deeper meanings become visible, the conversation changes.
Instead of arguing over cities or jobs, couples begin understanding the emotional significance behind each choice.
That creates empathy.
And empathy makes creative solutions possible.
Listening Before Solving
Many couples make the understandable mistake of trying to solve problems before fully understanding them.
The human mind naturally moves towards solutions.
But relationships often require something different first.
Witnessing.
Feeling genuinely heard reduces defensiveness far more effectively than winning an argument.
When your partner experiences that you truly understand their hopes and fears—even if you ultimately disagree—they often become much more able to consider your perspective in return.
Understanding does not require agreement.
It simply requires curiosity.
Why This Worksheet Starts Individually
You may notice that the worksheet asks each partner to complete the first section separately.
There is a good reason for this.
When couples think together too early, they often censor themselves.
They begin editing their answers before they’ve even understood what they genuinely feel.
They worry about upsetting their partner.
They avoid appearing selfish.
Or they immediately begin negotiating internally.
The purpose of the individual reflection is to collect what I often call the raw emotional data.
These first answers are not decisions.
They are information.
Only once both partners have identified their own internal worlds can meaningful dialogue begin.
Looking for the Overlap
One of the surprising discoveries many couples make is that their deepest values are often remarkably similar.
Both may value security.
Both may value adventure.
Both may care deeply about family.
Both may want professional fulfilment.
The disagreement lies not in what they value, but in how they believe those values can best be achieved.
Once the shared values become visible, compromise no longer feels like surrender.
Instead, it becomes a collaborative search for a solution that honours as much of each person’s emotional world as possible.
This is the beginning of moving from me towards us.
When Decisions Feel Impossible
Sometimes couples discover that every practical solution still feels emotionally impossible.
If that happens, it rarely means the relationship is beyond help.
It often means that the current disagreement has become connected to much older experiences.
Perhaps one partner has always feared abandonment.
Perhaps the other grew up feeling controlled.
Perhaps success has always felt linked to being loved.
These deeper emotional patterns are rarely created by the current relationship, but they often become activated within it.
This is where therapy can be especially valuable.
Rather than focusing only on finding the “correct” decision, psychodynamic therapy explores why certain choices evoke such powerful emotional reactions and how those earlier experiences continue to shape present-day relationships.
The Worksheet: Beginning a Different Conversation
The accompanying worksheet is not designed to produce immediate agreement.
Its purpose is something far more important.
It helps each partner move away from defending positions and towards understanding emotional realities.
It invites both people to become curious about themselves, curious about each other, and curious about what their relationship might need in order to flourish.
Many couples discover that this small shift—from asking “Who’s right?” to asking “What does our relationship need?”—changes the tone of their conversations more than any clever argument ever could.
Sometimes the most important step in strengthening a relationship is not finding the perfect answer.
It is learning to think together.
Request the Interactive Worksheet
If this article has resonated with you, the accompanying interactive worksheet, Moving from “Me” to “Us”: A Clinical Tool for Decision-Making, is designed to help you and your partner put these ideas into practice.
Rather than offering quick solutions, the worksheet guides you through a structured process of individual reflection followed by a shared conversation. It encourages each partner to identify their hopes, fears and deeper emotional needs before attempting to solve the practical problem together. Many couples find that slowing the conversation down in this way allows them to move away from blame and towards greater understanding.
The worksheet has been developed as an interactive online exercise that you can complete at your own pace. Although it can be used independently, it is particularly valuable alongside couples therapy, where the themes that emerge can be explored in greater depth.
If you would like to receive free access to the interactive worksheet, please complete the request form below with your name and email address. You are also welcome to include a brief comment about what prompted your interest or the particular challenges you and your partner are currently facing.
Once I receive your request, I will send you a link to the worksheet by email.
I hope it becomes a helpful starting point for more thoughtful, collaborative conversations and a stronger sense of working as a team.
Your details will only be used to send you the worksheet and occasional clinical resources from Online Therapy Clinic. You may unsubscribe at any time.
Photo credit: Ibrahim Günes / Pexels
Audio narration produced using ElevenLabs voice technology.