Worksheet: Developing Emotional Containment

A Guide for Couples Moving Beyond the Fixer/Feeler Dynamic

By Ari Sotiriou UK Accredited Psychotherapist

This worksheet is designed to help you move away from the “Solution vs. Complaint” cycle and toward a “Containment” model.

Part 1: Individual Reflection

For the “Fixer” (The Solution-Oriented Partner):

  1. When my partner expresses distress, the physical sensation I feel in my body is… (e.g., tight chest, urge to pace, heat).
  2. If I don’t “fix” this problem right now, I am afraid that…
  3. Does my partner’s overwhelm feel like a criticism of my performance? If so, why?

For the “Feeler” (The Overwhelmed Partner):

  1. When my partner offers a solution, the “story” I tell myself is… (e.g., “He thinks I’m incompetent,” “She doesn’t care about my feelings”).
  2. What does “support” look like to me if no practical changes are made to the situation?
  3. Am I able to acknowledge the intent behind my partner’s solution, even if the impact feels dismissive?

Part 2: The 15-Minute Containment Exercise

Set a timer for 15 minutes.

  • Partner A (The Speaker): Share a feeling of exhaustion or overwhelm for 5 minutes. Do not ask for advice.
  • Partner B (The Container): Your only job is to listen. You are forbidden from offering a solution, a “look on the bright side,” or a “why don’t you try X.” Your only allowed responses are:
  • “I can hear how heavy that feels for you.”
  • “It makes sense that you feel that way given everything on your plate.”
  • “I am here with you in this.”
  • Switch roles.

Part 3: Collaborative Integration

After the exercise, discuss:

  • How did it feel to have the “pressure to fix” removed?
  • How did it feel to have your feelings witnessed without being “managed”?
  • How can we signal to each other in daily life when we need Containment versus when we actually need Consultation?

Reflecting on the Exercise

Building the “muscle” for emotional containment takes time and practice. If you found this exercise difficult, or if the “Fixer vs. Feeler” roles felt particularly entrenched, it may be helpful to explore these dynamics within the safety of a therapeutic space.

In therapy, we work to expand your shared capacity to hold distress, allowing your relationship to become a place of refuge rather than a source of tension.

Ready to explore these dynamics further?

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Ari Sotiriou

UK Accredited Psychotherapist

Individual & Couples Therapy | Psychodynamic Approach