When Feedback Feels Like an Attack: Interactive Worksheet

Two people sitting across from each other in a calm, open conversation

Online Therapy Clinic

Ari Sotiriou, UK accredited psychotherapist · enquiries@online-therapy-clinic.com Ari Sotiriou provides Psychodynamic Individual and Couples therapy via secure Live Video. Dr Ruxandra Ion provides psychiatric expertise and BABCP-accredited CBT. UK practice · 50-minute sessions, on the hour.

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This worksheet is a companion to the article When Feedback Feels Like an Attack. It draws on both psychodynamic and CBT frameworks to help you explore the emotional origins of defensiveness — in yourself or in your relationship. Work through each section at your own pace. There are no right or wrong answers.

If you are currently working with a therapist, this worksheet can be brought to a session as a starting point for deeper exploration. If you are completing it as a couple, read the guidance at the start of each section before writing.

Part One Criticism or Feedback?

The article draws a distinction between criticism (which attacks the person) and feedback (which addresses behaviour). Before exploring your own reactions, it helps to become familiar with how this distinction feels in practice. The table below shows examples. Then complete the exercises beneath it.

Criticism — attacks the person	Feedback — addresses behaviour
“You’re so selfish.”	“I feel pushed out when decisions are made without asking me.”
“You never listen.”	“I feel unheard when I’m talking and you’re on your phone.”
“You’re so distant. You don’t care.”	“I miss feeling close to you. Can we talk about what’s been going on?”

Think of a recent moment when something your partner said felt like an attack. Write down, as precisely as you can, what they actually said:

Now look at that same statement again. Could it have been feedback — a request or a need — rather than an attack on you? Try rewriting it as feedback, using the examples above as a guide:

What is the gap between what was said and what you heard? (What meaning did you add that may not have been intended?)

Part Three Where Did This Begin?

Psychodynamic therapy is interested in how early relational experiences shape our adult emotional responses. Winnicott, Bowlby, and Bion described how children develop a sense of worth through interactions with caregivers. When those experiences were inconsistent, critical, or emotionally absent, beliefs about the self can form that persist into adulthood — often without our awareness. The following questions invite reflection on those origins. Take your time. Some answers may not come immediately.

“The emotional reaction can be far larger than the situation itself warrants. The partner thinks they are discussing a practical issue. The other person experiences a threat to their entire sense of self.”

How were difficult emotions — disappointment, criticism, conflict, failure — handled in your family when you were growing up?

What messages, spoken or unspoken, did you receive about your worth or adequacy as a child? (These might have come from parents, teachers, siblings, or the general atmosphere at home)

When you disappointed someone as a child, what typically happened? How did that feel, and what did you learn to do with that feeling?

Looking at your answers above, can you see any connection between those early experiences and the way you respond when your partner raises a concern?

Part Four Building Emotional Vocabulary

Many men find that emotions such as shame, fear, or sadness emerge in disguised forms — as anger, defensiveness, or withdrawal. This section invites you to slow down and name what is actually happening beneath the surface of a defensive reaction.

Think of a recent argument or defensive moment. Beneath the anger or the urge to defend yourself, what else was present? (Possible starting points: embarrassment, fear of losing them, shame, feeling small, panic, sadness)

Where do you feel defensiveness in your body? (Jaw, chest, stomach, shoulders — what is the physical signature of this state?)

The article describes emotional maturity as the capacity to stay engaged when difficult feelings arise. Using the examples below as a guide, write a response you might like to practise for the next time you feel defensive: — “That was difficult to hear.” / “Part of me feels criticised — can you help me understand what you need?” / “I need a little time to think about this.”

Part Five Couples Dialogue Exercises

For couples completing this together: Each partner completes their own column independently before reading each other’s responses. The goal is not agreement — it is understanding. Read your partner’s answers with curiosity rather than the urge to correct or defend.

“The goal is not to determine who is right. The goal is to understand what each partner is protecting.”

Prompt 1: “When I raise a concern, what I most need from you is…”

Partner A

Partner B

Prompt 2: “When I become defensive, what I am actually afraid of is…”

Partner A

Partner B

Prompt 3: “Something I wish my partner understood about me when we argue is…”

Partner A

Partner B

Prompt 4: “One thing I could do differently next time we disagree is…”

Partner A

Partner B

Part Six Feedback Communication Practice

This section gives both partners an opportunity to practise translating criticism into feedback before a real conversation takes place. Using the format “I feel [emotion] when [behaviour], because [need or value]” creates statements that are honest without being attacking. Complete these exercises individually.

Take something you have genuinely felt critical of your partner for recently. Write it first as a critical statement, then rewrite it as a feedback message:

Now practise the receiving end. Write a piece of feedback you have recently received (or expect to receive) from your partner. Then write an emotionally mature response to it — one that stays curious rather than defensive:

Is there an unresolved conversation — something said or unsaid — that is still affecting the relationship? Write what you would most want your partner to know, if you could say it without fear of the response:

Individual Therapy & Couples Therapy via Secure Video

If this worksheet has raised questions you would like to explore further, a confidential introductory conversation is available at no charge. Psychodynamic individual therapy and couples therapy are offered via secure live video.

Arrange a confidential introductory conversation → Individual & Couples Therapy via Live Video • Psychodynamic & CBT Specialisms • UK Practice • Secure Digital Clinic Settings

A Note for Your Next Session

If you are working with Ari or Dr Ion, bring this completed worksheet to your next session. The areas that were easiest to fill in and the areas where you stalled or felt resistance are equally informative. Neither needs to be explained in advance — simply bring the document and we will explore it together.

To book a session or make an enquiry, contact: enquiries@online-therapy-clinic.com

“Growth begins when we stop asking: why are they attacking me? — and start asking: what is this reaction trying to protect?”

Online Therapy Clinic Clinical Team enquiries@online-therapy-clinic.com · online-therapy-clinic.com · UK practice · 50-minute sessions, on the hour

Ari Sotiriou provides Psychodynamic Individual and Couples therapy via secure Live Video. Dr Ruxandra Ion provides psychiatric expertise and BABCP-accredited CBT.

© Ari Sotiriou MA PGDip | UKCP Accredited | enquiries@online-therapy-clinic.com
This worksheet is for personal reflection only and does not constitute clinical advice.

Clinical Reflections: A Space for Depth

When Feedback Feels Like an Attack: Interactive Worksheet

When Feedback Feels Like an Attack

A Note for Your Next Session

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