When Trust Meets Criticism: Rebuilding Emotional Safety in a Long-Term Relationship

Listen to: When Trust Meets Criticism

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By Ari Sotiriou MA, PGDip, UKCP Registered Psychodynamic Psychotherapist

Trust difficulties do not always begin with a clear betrayal. In many long-term relationships, mistrust develops gradually through repeated misunderstandings, emotional injuries and defensive patterns that neither partner fully recognises.

Consider a couple in their early fifties who have been married for thirty years. Their two sons have grown up and left home. The husband increasingly doubts his wife and questions whether she is being fully open with him. His wife, meanwhile, has become fearful of his criticism. She watches what she says, tries to avoid provoking him and sometimes withholds her thoughts because she expects them to be judged.

From the outside, the problem may appear straightforward: he needs to trust more, and she needs to communicate more openly. Yet the deeper emotional pattern is usually more complicated.

The Trust–Criticism Cycle

When one partner feels uncertain, they may look for reassurance. However, reassurance-seeking can easily become questioning, checking or criticism.

The mistrustful partner may believe:

“Something is being kept from me.”
“I cannot relax unless I know exactly what is happening.”
“If I do not challenge this, I may be taken advantage of.”

The criticised partner may experience these questions very differently. Rather than feeling invited into an honest conversation, they may feel examined, doubted or placed on trial.

They may begin thinking:

“Whatever I say will be used against me.”
“I need to be careful.”
“It is safer to say less.”
“Nothing I do will be good enough.”

This creates a painful circular pattern. His anxiety leads him to question or criticise. She becomes frightened and guarded. Her guardedness then appears to confirm his fear that she is hiding something.

Both partners become trapped inside a cycle that neither consciously intends to create.

The accompanying worksheet, Understanding Our Trust–Criticism Cycle, invites couples to map this sequence by identifying the fear, protective behaviour, partner response and interpretation that keep the cycle going.

What Lies Beneath Criticism?

British psychoanalytic thinking helps us understand criticism not simply as aggression, but sometimes as a defence against vulnerability.

In object relations theory, our present relationships are influenced by emotional expectations formed in earlier relationships. A partner may unconsciously expect disappointment, rejection or betrayal even when the current situation is unclear. Rather than experiencing uncertainty as something that can be thought about, uncertainty becomes evidence of danger.

Bion described the importance of emotional containment: the capacity to receive difficult feelings, think about them and give them back in a more manageable form. When anxiety cannot be contained, it may instead be discharged through accusation, interrogation or blame.

Criticism can therefore become an attempt to control an unbearable feeling.

Beneath “Why didn’t you tell me?” there may be:

“I am afraid I do not matter.”
“I fear being excluded.”
“I feel powerless.”
“I am frightened that I will be abandoned.”

Recognising the vulnerability beneath criticism does not excuse intimidating or hurtful behaviour. It does, however, create an opportunity to understand what the behaviour may be defending against.

What Lies Beneath Withdrawal?

The partner who becomes quiet or cautious is also trying to protect something.

Winnicott wrote about the importance of an environment in which the true self can emerge spontaneously. When a person repeatedly expects criticism, they may become increasingly compliant. They say what feels acceptable, avoid disagreement and hide parts of their emotional experience.

Over time, this can produce a relationship in which apparent peace replaces genuine closeness.

The fearful partner may withdraw not because they have something to conceal, but because openness no longer feels safe. Yet their silence can be experienced by the other partner as secrecy or emotional abandonment.

The worksheet asks each partner to complete two reflections:

“When I criticise or question, I may actually be feeling…”

“When I become quiet or guarded, I may actually be feeling…”

These questions help move the conversation away from blame and towards emotional meaning.

Becoming a Couple Again

The departure of adult children can unsettle a long-established relationship.

For many years, the couple’s shared identity may have centred on parenting, practical responsibilities and family life. Once the children leave, the partners face one another more directly.

This transition can revive unresolved questions:

Are we still emotionally connected?
Do we know one another outside our roles as parents?
Can we tolerate dependence on each other?
What does the next stage of our relationship mean?

Old anxieties that were partly contained by family life may now become more visible. The problem may appear to be a recent disagreement, but the emotional roots may reach much further back.

From Certainty to Curiosity

Trust cannot usually be forced through repeated reassurance, checking or promises. It develops through repeated experiences of emotional safety.

A useful first step is to replace certainty with curiosity.

Instead of saying:

“You are hiding something from me.”

A partner might say:

“I notice that I am becoming suspicious. I think I am frightened of being left out. Can we talk about what is happening between us?”

Instead of withdrawing completely, the other partner might say:

“I want to answer you honestly, but I become frightened when I feel criticised. I need us to speak in a way that helps me stay present.”

These statements do not solve the problem immediately. They create a different emotional atmosphere in which thought becomes possible.

Couples therapy can help partners recognise the unconscious fears beneath criticism, mistrust and withdrawal. The aim is not to decide who is right, but to understand the cycle that has come to organise the relationship.

Request the interactive worksheet

The companion worksheet, Understanding Our Trust–Criticism Cycle, offers a structured way for each partner to reflect on emotional triggers, protective behaviours and the effect these have on the relationship. It can be completed individually or together and used to support discussion in couples therapy.

To request the worksheet, please complete the form with your name and email address. You may also add an optional comment about what interested you in the topic or what you are finding difficult. A link to the worksheet will be sent to you by email after your request has been received.

You can also subscribe to the Online Therapy Clinic clinical blog to receive future therapy reflections, practical worksheets and clinical updates by email.

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