Think about some of the people whose views mattered while you were growing up, or during important periods of your life. These might include parents, caregivers, siblings, teachers, friends, partners, employers or other significant people. Try to remember not only what they explicitly said, but also what you sensed they expected from you.

Expectations can gradually become roles. A child who is repeatedly relied upon may become “the responsible one”. Someone praised mainly for achievement may become “the successful one”. Another person may find themselves occupying the position of “the difficult one”, even when their behaviour changes. Roles can provide identity and belonging. They can also become restrictive when we feel we are no longer allowed to behave outside them.

Sometimes another person’s description of us remains psychologically present long after the relationship or situation in which it developed has changed. It can be useful to place that inherited view beside what we know about ourselves now.

Old expectations often become most noticeable in particular situations. A small criticism may suddenly feel like proof that we have disappointed somebody. A request for help may make us fear appearing weak. Someone becoming distant may quickly evoke the expectation that we will be rejected. The intensity of the reaction can sometimes tell us that more than the immediate situation is being experienced.

We do not enter adult relationships without expectations. Previous experiences may influence what we anticipate from partners, friends, colleagues and therapists. Sometimes we expect people to react as important people once did. At other times, we may expect ourselves to occupy a familiar role. Couples can also gradually develop fixed stories about one another: “You never listen”, “You always withdraw”, “I have to do everything”, “You are the emotional one”, or “You are the difficult one.” These stories may contain some truth while still preventing either person from being seen freshly.

Sometimes an expectation can influence what happens next without us consciously intending it. If we strongly expect criticism, we may become defensive before criticism has actually occurred. If we expect abandonment, we may repeatedly seek reassurance or withdraw before another person can leave us. If we expect others to be unreliable, we may take over so completely that they have little opportunity to contribute. None of this means that we deliberately create difficult relationships. It means that expectations can influence how we interpret situations and how we respond to them.

Not all restricting expectations are negative. Being seen as talented, strong, kind, dependable, successful or exceptionally capable can feel affirming. But an admired identity can also become demanding if we begin to feel that we must always maintain it. Sometimes the fear is not that we will be criticised, but that we will disappoint people who believe in us.

Psychological freedom does not necessarily mean rejecting everything we have learned from other people. It may mean becoming able to choose. We can keep parts of an identity that genuinely belong to us while becoming less governed by the expectation that we must always behave in the same way. Sometimes change begins with a very small experiment: allowing somebody else to help, expressing disagreement, tolerating another person’s disappointment, asking for something, admitting uncertainty, not immediately taking responsibility, or allowing ourselves to respond differently from the role others expect.

Becoming aware of an expectation does not immediately free us from it. Some roles have been part of us for many years. They may have helped us preserve important relationships, feel valued, avoid conflict or make sense of ourselves. The aim is therefore not simply to discard them. It is to become more able to notice when an old expectation is speaking and to ask whether it still represents who we are now. Being recognised by another person can be deeply important. But recognition does not have to mean being permanently defined.