THE ADULT BRIDGE

The Vessel and the Bridge — couples therapy article

Photo: Carsten Ruthemann · Pexels

Ari Sotiriou, UK accredited psychotherapist · enquiries@online-therapy-clinic.com Ari Sotiriou provides Psychodynamic Individual and Couples therapy via secure Live Video. Dr Ruxandra Ion provides psychiatric expertise and BABCP-accredited CBT. · UK practice · 50-minute sessions, on the hour.

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Complete the worksheet, then save or print your responses

Complete this worksheet separately, then share your responses with one another. Work through each section in sequence. There are no right answers — only honest ones. If a section feels activating, pause, breathe, and return to it when you feel more settled.

This worksheet is a reflective tool, not a substitute for clinical therapy. If you are working with a therapist, bring your completed worksheets to your next session.

Part One Mapping Your Position in the Vessel

Before we can work with a pattern, we must be able to name it honestly. Read the descriptions below and reflect on which resonates most closely with your usual experience in the relationship — not in your best moments, but under pressure.

I recognise myself more in the ‘Parental’ position Managing, directing, carrying the mental load, feeling unsupported or unacknowledged

I recognise myself more in the ‘Child’ position Withdrawing, complying, feeling criticised, managed, or unable to find the space to contribute

What does this position feel like in your body? (e.g. tightness in the chest, a sense of heaviness, restlessness)

When did this pattern first appear in the relationship? Was there a particular transition — children, relocation, a change in work circumstances?

Part Two The State of Your Vessel’s Compartments

A healthy relationship maintains distinct, sealed compartments. Rate the current condition of each below, then use the space provided to note where the most urgent leaks are occurring.

Compartment	Current Status	Where is the leak? What specific issue is flooding this space?
The Emotional / Intimate Bond	Secure Strained Flooded
The Erotic / Libidinal Connection	Secure Strained Flooded
Co-Parenting Alliance	Secure Strained Flooded
Domestic & Administrative	Secure Strained Flooded
Financial Partnership	Secure Strained Flooded

Which compartment, when a disagreement starts there, most reliably triggers flooding into other areas? Describe what this typically looks like.

Part Three Your Somatic Early-Warning System

Learning to recognise your body’s signals before the pattern becomes entrenched is one of the most valuable capacities you can develop. Answer the following from direct bodily experience — not conceptually.

What do you notice in your body in the earliest moment of a difficult conversation? (e.g. jaw tension, shallow breathing, a hollow feeling in the stomach, an urge to leave the room)

What does your partner typically do or say that first triggers this somatic response? Be as specific as possible — tone, words, posture, facial expression.

What do you usually do when you notice this signal? (e.g. withdraw, speak more loudly, become very quiet, begin problem-solving rapidly)

What would it mean to pause at this threshold rather than responding immediately? What feels frightening about that pause?

Part Four Practising the Relational Handshake

Choose a real, recent disagreement — ideally one that felt unresolved. Use the five-step protocol below to revisit it, this time as Observers rather than Participants. Complete this section individually first, then compare.

Briefly describe the disagreement (one or two sentences only — the content matters less than the pattern beneath it):

#	Stage	Prompt
1	Decode the Ego State	Looking back, which Ego State was your partner speaking from? Which were you speaking from? What clues — tone, language, body language — tell you this?
2	Receive Without Defending	At what point did you stop truly listening and begin preparing your defence? What triggered the shift?
3	Mirror the Message	Write what you heard your partner actually saying — the emotional content beneath the words: ‘What I heard you saying was that you feel…’
4	Seek Confirmation	If you had reflected this back, do you think your partner would have felt accurately heard? If not, what do you think you missed?
5	Reflective Containment	Was there a moment when taking space — genuinely, not as avoidance — might have changed the outcome? What made that feel impossible or unsafe?

Part Five Moving Towards the Adult Position

The most demanding — and most freeing — part of this work is the act of conscious movement away from the familiar position. Answer the following honestly.

For the ‘Parental’ partner What is one specific area of domestic or emotional management you could genuinely hand over this week — not reluctantly, but as an act of trust? What makes this feel risky?

For the ‘Child’ partner What is one area where you have been waiting to be invited or directed, rather than stepping forward? What would it mean to claim that space this week?

As a couple — shared commitment What is one small, concrete agreement you can make this week that honours both partners’ contributions — without either managing or retreating? Write it here as a shared commitment.

A Note for Your Next Session

If you are working with a therapist, bring both completed worksheets to your session. Notice where your responses diverge — these divergences are not problems; they are the material. Notice too what felt impossible to write, or what you wrote and then crossed out. These instincts carry important clinical information.

If you would like to begin working with Ari Sotiriou, please contact: enquiries@online-therapy-clinic.com

All consultations take place via live video in a secure, confidential setting. Sessions are available for individuals and couples across the UK and internationally.

← Return to the companion article: The Vessel and the Bridge

If this exercise brought something familiar into focus, you may already be noticing that the difficulty between partners is not always about communication alone, but often about deeper patterns of protection, attachment, and emotional safety.

Supporting couples navigating love across languages, cultures, countries, parenthood, and major life transitions.

As an experienced psychodynamic psychotherapist, I work online with individuals and couples facing recurring conflict, emotional distance, intimacy difficulties, cultural transition, and the hidden pressures of life abroad.

Arrange a confidential introductory conversation → Psychodynamic psychotherapy for individuals and couples • Online across the UK, Europe, and internationally • English, French, and Greek

Ari Sotiriou, UK accredited psychotherapist enquiries@online-therapy-clinic.com · online-therapy-clinic.com · UK practice · 50-minute sessions, on the hour

Ari Sotiriou provides Psychodynamic Individual and Couples therapy via secure Live Video. Dr Ruxandra Ion provides psychiatric expertise and BABCP-accredited CBT.

© Ari Sotiriou MA PGDip | UKCP Accredited | enquiries@online-therapy-clinic.com
For personal therapeutic use only. Not for reproduction.

Clinical Reflections: A Space for Depth

THE ADULT BRIDGE — Interactive Worksheet

A Note for Your Next Session

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