By Ari Sotiriou , Psychodynamic Psychotherapist
Introduction
In the bustling city of London, amid the unprecedented circumstances of the COVID lockdown, two individuals from vastly different worlds found themselves drawn together. Rachel, a successful IT engineer with a passion for kickboxing, met Yannis, a Greek trainee lawyer, during a chance encounter in a local park. Their romance blossomed rapidly, and it wasn’t long before Yannis moved into Rachel’s sophisticated flat. Yet beneath the surface of their budding relationship, complex currents swirled—a mixture of cultural heritage, attachment styles, and unspoken anxieties.
Rachel and Yannis: A Cultural Tapestry
The Clash of Traditions
Rachel was raised in a well-to-do Jewish family and felt the weight of her father’s legacy keenly. Her professional achievements reflected her father’s success, yet she yearned for something deeper and more meaningful. On the other hand, Yannis hailed from Greece, a land rich in ancient history and deeply rooted traditions. His family, though not wealthy, embodied a different kind of richness—the warmth of shared meals, laughter, and storytelling.
As their relationship progressed, their differing cultural backgrounds began to present challenges, particularly around religious practices. Rachel cherished the idea of Friday evening Shabbat dinners and celebrating Jewish holidays, while Yannis hesitated, deeply attached to his own traditions of Greek Orthodox Easter, Christmas, and national holidays. The question loomed—how could they reconcile these differences?
Attachment Styles: The Silent Tug-of-War
- Rachel’s Anxious Attachment:
- Rachel was acutely aware of the passing time, a constant reminder of her age and the urgency she felt about having children.
- She craved emotional closeness, perhaps a reflection of her strong bond with her father.
- A persistent fear gnawed at her—the possibility that their relationship might falter if Yannis did not share her desire for parenthood.
- Yannis’s Avoidant Attachment:
- Yannis placed great importance on his career growth and financial stability.
- Emotional intimacy was something he approached with caution, feeling as though it was a precarious balance; commitment, for him, was a distant and uncertain future.
- His father’s military background had instilled in him a sense of stoic independence, making it difficult for him to fully embrace emotional vulnerability.
The Therapeutic Journey
Rachel’s Determination and Yannis’s Skepticism
Rachel, already familiar with individual therapy, was the one to suggest couples therapy. Yannis, however, was sceptical. His Greek upbringing had taught him to approach therapy with caution; it was uncharted territory. Nevertheless, Rachel was determined. She expressed a preference for a Greek therapist, someone who could understand and navigate Yannis’s cultural nuances. And so, they eventually found themselves in my office.
The Therapist’s Role
- Psychoeducation:
- I reassured Yannis that his scepticism was a natural response. Therapy is often misunderstood as a sign of weakness, but in reality, it is a path to growth and understanding.
- We delved into the concept of attachment styles, breaking down the psychological jargon. Yannis seemed to have a moment of realisation as he began to see these patterns within himself.
- Emotionally Focused Therapy (EFT):
- EFT became the guiding framework for our sessions. We focused on the importance of emotional responsiveness—the dance of vulnerability between partners.
- Though hesitant at first, Yannis was slowly drawn in by Rachel’s unwavering commitment to the process, which encouraged him to engage more deeply.
- Exploring Roots:
- We spent time exploring their childhood attachments—the invisible threads that shaped their present behaviours.
- Yannis’s father, a silent and stoic figure, contrasted with Rachel’s father, who had been a supportive and benevolent guide.
A New Way Forward
- Negotiating Goals:
- In our sessions, we navigated the space between Rachel’s sense of urgency to start a family and Yannis’s focus on career aspirations.
- Could they find a middle ground? We explored the possibility of intertwining their dreams of parenthood with their shared desire for financial security.
- Cultural Bridges:
- Instead of seeing their differences as obstacles, we began to celebrate them. The Jewish menorah and the Greek olive branch became symbols of their shared life.
- Language played a significant role as well—English, Greek, and Hebrew became part of their communication, each language offering a new layer of shared meaning.
The Invitation
As I pen down these reflections, Rachel and Yannis continue their journey, navigating the complexities of their relationship with newfound understanding. But this case study isn’t merely about them—it’s also an invitation to you. If you find that cultural complexities resonate within your relationships, if you feel the knots of tension and misunderstanding in your heart, I encourage you to follow our blog. We will continue to explore similar stories, share insights, and offer guidance.
Are you curious about individual or couples therapy? Do you want to unravel the threads of your relationship? Reach out. Let’s embark on this journey together.
Ari Sotiriou is an Online Therapy Specialist with a passion for weaving cultural narratives into therapeutic journeys. Follow our blog for more insights and stories.
Disclaimer: The names and details of the couple have been altered to protect their privacy.
Connect with Ari Sotiriou: Email | Website
Expanding the Discussion:
In extending this narrative, it’s crucial to delve deeper into the broader context of cultural complexity in relationships. Many couples, like Rachel and Yannis, find themselves at the crossroads of different cultural heritages. These differences can manifest in various aspects of life—values, family traditions, communication styles, and even conflict resolution strategies.
Cultural Identity and Relationship Dynamics
One of the significant challenges couples face is the negotiation of cultural identity within the relationship. For Rachel and Yannis, their cultural identities were deeply intertwined with their sense of self. Rachel’s Jewish background was not merely a set of religious practices but a core part of her identity, influencing her values, social connections, and expectations from life. Similarly, Yannis’s Greek heritage shaped his worldview, his approach to family, and his understanding of gender roles.
In therapy, it became evident that acknowledging and honouring these identities was vital. Couples often struggle when they attempt to suppress or overlook the cultural aspects of their partner’s identity. Instead, we explored how Rachel and Yannis could integrate their cultural backgrounds into their shared life. This process involved not just compromise but also a celebration of their differences.
For instance, Rachel and Yannis began to create new traditions that honoured both of their cultures. They decided to alternate the celebration of religious holidays, embracing each other’s practices with respect and enthusiasm. Rachel learned to appreciate the joy of Greek Orthodox Easter, while Yannis participated in Shabbat dinners, finding meaning in Rachel’s Jewish customs. Through this process, they were able to create a richer, more inclusive relationship narrative.
The Role of Family in Cross-Cultural Relationships
Family plays a pivotal role in how cultural values and traditions are passed down. In Rachel and Yannis’s case, their families were instrumental in shaping their attitudes towards marriage, family life, and conflict resolution. Rachel’s family, being affluent and well-established, had clear expectations regarding her career, marriage, and social responsibilities. On the other hand, Yannis’s family, while less affluent, valued close-knit relationships, communal living, and a strong sense of duty towards one another.
These differing family dynamics created tensions, particularly when it came to making decisions about their future. Rachel’s family was more individualistic, placing a high value on personal achievement and independence. In contrast, Yannis’s family emphasised collective well-being and interdependence.
In therapy, we explored how these family influences were affecting Rachel and Yannis’s relationship. It was important for them to recognise that their families’ expectations were deeply rooted in cultural traditions. By understanding this, they were able to approach their differences with more empathy and less defensiveness. They learned to communicate more effectively about their families’ roles in their lives, setting boundaries where necessary while still honouring the importance of family connections.
The Influence of Cultural Narratives on Attachment Styles
Another layer of complexity in Rachel and Yannis’s relationship was how their cultural backgrounds influenced their attachment styles. Attachment theory, which explores how early relationships with caregivers shape our expectations and behaviours in adult relationships, is a useful framework for understanding their dynamic.
Rachel’s anxious attachment style, characterised by a deep need for closeness and fear of abandonment, was influenced by her upbringing in a family where achievement was highly valued. The pressure to succeed, both professionally and personally, left her with a sense of urgency in all aspects of her life, including her relationship with Yannis.
Yannis’s avoidant attachment style, on the other hand, was shaped by his upbringing in a family where independence and self-reliance were paramount. His father’s military background instilled in him a belief that emotional vulnerability was a weakness, leading him to distance himself when relationships became too emotionally intense.
In our sessions, we worked on helping Rachel and Yannis understand how these attachment styles were influencing their interactions. By recognising the underlying fears and insecurities driving their behaviours, they were able to develop more compassionate responses to one another. Rachel learned to give Yannis space when he needed it, while Yannis became more comfortable with expressing his emotions and needs.
Building a Stronger Relationship Through Cultural Understanding
Ultimately, the key to Rachel and Yannis’s progress in therapy was their willingness to engage with and understand the cultural complexities