In today’s digital world, the allure of social media is hard to resist. Platforms like Instagram, Facebook, and TikTok offer seemingly endless opportunities for self-expression, connection, and validation. Yet, beneath the surface, they can also amplify feelings of inadequacy, loneliness, and disappointment. Donald Winnicott’s theory of the “true self” and “false self” provides a meaningful framework for understanding how individuals navigate the online world, often struggling between authentic self-expression and the persona they project to meet external expectations.
Winnicott’s True and False Self in the Digital Age
Winnicott, a British psychoanalyst, introduced the concepts of the “true self” and the “false self” to describe how individuals develop in relation to their environment, particularly in early childhood. The “true self” reflects a person’s authentic, spontaneous feelings and desires, while the “false self” develops as a protective mechanism, adapting to meet the expectations of others. The false self may serve as a mask to protect the vulnerable true self, but if this mask becomes the primary mode of engagement with the world, it can lead to feelings of emptiness and disconnection.
Social media offers a unique space where these dynamics play out. The ability to curate an idealised version of oneself – often seeking approval through likes, comments, and followers – can resemble the functioning of the false self. While this may offer momentary satisfaction, it rarely nurtures the true self, leaving individuals feeling hollow and unsatisfied.
A Composite Clinical Case: Mark’s Struggle with Social Media
Mark, a man in his mid-40s, came to therapy with a deep sense of disappointment. He had been single for several years and found himself scrolling endlessly through Instagram stories, hoping to feel connected and comforted. Instead, he experienced growing feelings of loneliness and frustration, particularly when comparing his life to others seemingly thriving in relationships and social circles.
Mark spent hours curating his own Instagram presence – posting carefully selected images, witty captions, and engaging stories. Yet, he admitted that the person portrayed on his profile didn’t feel like him. He described his real self as “invisible,” constantly overshadowed by the persona he projected online. He longed for intimacy and connection but was unable to find it, either online or offline.
In his sessions, Mark would often say things like, “I just want someone to see me for who I am,” yet his social media persona seemed to offer just the opposite – a version of himself that conformed to what he thought others wanted to see.
Psychodynamic Exploration: Engaging the True Self
In a psychodynamic session, the focus would be on helping Mark uncover the unconscious motivations driving his behaviour and the pain of living through his false self. A typical vignette from a session might unfold as follows:
Therapist: “You’ve talked about wanting someone to see you for who you really are, but you’ve also mentioned that your Instagram is carefully curated. How does it feel to put so much effort into something that doesn’t reflect who you are inside?”
Mark: “It feels exhausting, honestly. Sometimes, I get a few likes or comments, and it feels good for a second, but it never lasts. I’m left feeling empty again.”
Therapist: “It sounds like the validation you’re getting isn’t really touching that deeper part of you that’s longing to be seen.”
Mark: “Exactly. I’m trying to keep up with what I think others want, but it’s not me. It’s like I’m invisible, even to myself.”
In this dialogue, the therapist is helping Mark explore the disconnect between his true self and the false self he presents online. The aim is to create a safe space where Mark can start to acknowledge his deeper, more vulnerable feelings and move toward a more authentic mode of self-expression, both in therapy and in his life outside of social media.
A CBT Approach: Tackling the Thought Patterns
Cognitive Behavioural Therapy (CBT) offers a more structured, symptom-focused approach to addressing Mark’s difficulties. In this framework, the emphasis would be on identifying and challenging the thought patterns and behaviours contributing to his disappointment and anxiety about social media. For example, Mark might be asked to track his thoughts when using Instagram, identifying negative thinking patterns like, “Everyone else is happier than I am” or “If I don’t post something interesting, no one will care about me.”
In a CBT session, the therapist might engage with Mark in the following way:
Therapist: “When you find yourself feeling disappointed after looking at Instagram, what thoughts go through your mind?”
Mark: “I just feel like everyone is doing better than me. They’re all in happy relationships or having amazing experiences, and I’m stuck here, alone.”
Therapist: “And when you have those thoughts, how do they make you feel?”
Mark: “Lonely. Sad. Like I’ll never measure up.”
Therapist: “Let’s challenge that thought a bit. Just because someone posts a happy moment, does it mean their life is perfect or that they’re not struggling with their own problems?”
Mark: “No, I guess not. But it’s hard not to feel that way.”
Therapist: “Right, and that’s the work we’ll do together – helping you identify these automatic negative thoughts and challenging them. Over time, we can replace them with more balanced, realistic thoughts.”
By engaging in CBT, Mark would learn to reframe his negative thoughts about social media and develop healthier ways of interacting with it. While CBT might not delve into the deeper psychodynamic issues of the true versus false self, it would provide him with practical tools to manage the immediate discomfort and disappointment he experiences online.
Conclusion: Beyond the Digital Mask
Whether through a psychodynamic lens focusing on the deeper, unconscious aspects of the self, or a CBT framework that addresses thought patterns and behaviours, therapy offers a path for individuals like Mark to reconcile their inner selves with the image they present to the world. In the age of social media, the temptation to live through a false self is strong, but with the right therapeutic approach, it’s possible to peel back the layers and reconnect with the true self – the part of us that seeks genuine connection, beyond the fleeting validation of likes and followers.
Understanding the dynamics of the true and false self in relation to social media can offer valuable insight into the emotional struggles many face today, helping us navigate this digital age with greater self-awareness and authenticity.
By Ari Sotiriou M.A. psychodynamic psychotherapist asotiriou@online-therapy-clinic.com