In our work as therapists, trust is both the foundation and the goal of the therapeutic relationship. But what happens when trust is tested before it has even begun? I recently had an experience that left me reflecting deeply on why clients sometimes misrepresent themselves—and how we, as therapists, can respond with empathy and curiosity.
The Client Inquiry
A few weeks ago, I received a message through an online directory from a potential client—I’ll call them Alex. Alex introduced themselves as a young professional seeking support for emotional overwhelm, struggles in relationships, and difficulties with boundaries. The message was thoughtful and detailed, expressing a clear desire to begin therapy.
I replied promptly, outlining my availability, fees, and the process for scheduling an initial consultation. When I didn’t hear back, I followed up with a WhatsApp message to ensure they’d received my email.
Alex eventually responded, thanking me for following up and explaining that they were unsure if they could afford my fees long-term. They added that I’d been “recommended by another therapist” but that my rates exceeded their budget of €200 per month.
It was here that a small inconsistency caught my attention. If I had been recommended by another therapist, why had Alex reached out to me through an online directory rather than contacting me directly or via referral?
The Discrepancy
The inconsistency wasn’t glaring, but it lingered in my mind. As therapists, we’re trained to notice patterns, discrepancies, and underlying motivations. Was this a deliberate lie, a simple misunderstanding, or something else entirely?
Rather than focusing on the lie itself, I found myself wondering why Alex might have chosen to embellish their story. What was the need behind this fabrication?
Why Clients Misrepresent Themselves
Through years of practice, I’ve learned that when clients lie—especially early in the therapeutic relationship—it’s often not out of malice but a reflection of deeper fears or needs. Here are a few possible explanations that came to mind:
1. Fear of Rejection:
Alex might have worried that I wouldn’t take their inquiry seriously if they admitted they’d simply found me online. Claiming a referral from another therapist could have been a way to establish credibility or legitimacy.
2. Desire to Build Connection:
By framing their inquiry as a referral, Alex may have hoped to create a sense of trust and rapport, imagining I’d be more inclined to work with them if I believed they were recommended by a colleague.
3. Insecurity About Therapy:
Reaching out to a therapist can be daunting. Perhaps Alex felt vulnerable and used this story as a shield to protect themselves from perceived judgment.
4. Negotiation Tactics:
Highlighting a perceived recommendation could have been a strategy to strengthen their position while negotiating for a lower fee.
5. Self-Deception or Miscommunication:
It’s also possible that Alex genuinely believed they were referred, having perhaps misinterpreted a suggestion or vaguely remembered seeing my name elsewhere.
Navigating the Ethical Balance
As therapists, our job isn’t to police the truth but to hold space for honesty to emerge. Lies and misrepresentations, especially in the early stages of therapy, often signal underlying fears, insecurities, or unmet needs.
When I replied to Alex’s message about their budget, I chose not to address the inconsistency directly. Instead, I acknowledged their financial concerns and gently asked what they could afford. I knew that addressing the discrepancy would only be meaningful if Alex became a client and the issue surfaced organically in our sessions.
Lessons Learned
This experience reminded me of a few essential truths about the therapeutic process:
1. Trust Takes Time:
Clients often test the waters before fully opening up. Early inconsistencies are less about dishonesty and more about self-protection.
2. Empathy is Key:
Instead of focusing on the “lie,” I focused on the person behind it. What might Alex have been feeling or fearing? How could I create a safer space for honesty?
3. Boundaries Matter:
While empathy is vital, maintaining professional boundaries is equally important. I couldn’t lower my fees to fit Alex’s budget, but I did offer referrals to therapists who might better match their financial needs.
Closing Thoughts
Therapy is a space for truth—but getting to that truth is a process. When clients misrepresent themselves, it’s rarely about deception. More often, it’s a reflection of their inner struggles, fears, or hopes for the therapeutic relationship.
As therapists, we have the privilege of meeting clients where they are, lies and all. Each interaction, even the puzzling ones, is an opportunity to build trust and foster growth.
By Guest Contributor: A Fellow Therapist