Welcome to our collection of insights into the psychodynamic process and contemporary mental health. These reflections explore the unconscious dynamics of the inner life, and the complex emotional currents within our relationships.
Below, you’ll find our latest articles. Many come with a companion clinical worksheet — a focused, interactive exercise you’re welcome to request at the end of the relevant post, to support the reflective journey in your own time.
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Couples Worksheet · Psychodynamic Reflection
Understanding Our Trust–Criticism Cycle
A couples reflection on mistrust, criticism, withdrawal and emotional safety
A clinical worksheet from Online Therapy Clinic — Ari Sotiriou MA PGDip (UKCP)
Ari Sotiriou, UK accredited psychotherapist · enquiries@online-therapy-clinic.com
Ari Sotiriou provides Individual and Couples therapy from a psychodynamic perspective, via secure Live Video. Dr Ruxandra Ion offers CBT courses and brings a psychiatric perspective, without providing psychiatric diagnosis or prescribing medication. UK practice · 50-minute sessions, on the hour.
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This worksheet runs entirely within your browser. Nothing you write is transmitted, stored on a server, or accessible to anyone else — including your partner, unless you choose to share it. All responses are saved locally on your own device and are cleared only when you choose to reset. Online Therapy Clinic has no access to your answers.
Your progress will be saved automatically as you write.
Complete the worksheet, then save, print or copy your responses
The Copy button in the floating bar below places your reflection on your device’s clipboard. Take care when using a shared device or pasting into email or messaging services.
This worksheet is for couples caught in patterns that neither partner consciously intends: one partner seeks reassurance and it lands as criticism or interrogation; the other partner protects themselves through silence and it lands as secrecy.
Long-term couples can become caught in sequences like this without either person choosing them. One partner’s attempt to find reassurance may be experienced by the other as questioning, checking or accusation. The other partner’s attempt to protect themselves — through caution, quietness or withdrawal — may then be experienced as evasive or secretive, which can seem to confirm the original worry.
This worksheet helps you slow that sequence down, so that you can begin to understand the feelings beneath your reactions rather than simply repeating them.
There is no score and no correct outcome. Your answers are stored only in your own browser and save automatically as you go. You are welcome to bring this worksheet into a couples therapy session.
Partners may complete separate copies of this worksheet. It works best when each of you reflects privately first, rather than debating each answer as you go. Your experience of the relationship may be quite different from your partner’s, and that is expected — this worksheet is not designed to establish facts or determine who is right. Its purpose is to help you understand the emotional cycle you may share. Many people recognise themselves in both positions at different times. If at any point this exercise begins to feel intimidating or emotionally unsafe, please pause.
Please read before beginning
This worksheet is intended for reflection and education. It does not establish facts, determine who is right, or replace professional couples therapy.
If you feel frightened, threatened, controlled or unable to express yourself safely, completing a joint worksheet may not be appropriate. Consider completing it privately and discussing your concerns with an appropriately qualified professional.
Rate each statement as it feels to you at the moment, not how you believe it should feel.
I feel able to speak honestly without expecting criticism.
Not at all
Very much
I feel that my partner listens before reaching a conclusion.
Not at all
Very much
I feel trusted by my partner.
Not at all
Very much
I can ask for reassurance without attacking or accusing.
Not at all
Very much
I can disagree without becoming frightened.
Not at all
Very much
We can repair misunderstandings after conflict.
Not at all
Very much
I feel able to be spontaneous and emotionally open.
Not at all
Very much
I believe my intentions are usually interpreted fairly.
Not at all
Very much
Part TwoWhat Happens When I Feel Insecure?
When we feel insecure, we tend to move in one of several directions — towards pursuit, criticism and control, or towards appeasement and withdrawal. Tick anything that applies to you, even if it only happens occasionally.
Part ThreeThe Fear Beneath My Reaction
Complete each sentence honestly. There are no wrong answers.
Protective reactions often appear before we have found words for the fear beneath them.
Part FourMapping the Cycle
Choose two recent examples and walk each one through the same six stages. Try to describe what happened as plainly as possible before moving to what you felt.
Cycle One
Cycle Two
Part FiveLooking Through My Partner’s Eyes
Understanding another person’s mind means remaining curious about what they may be feeling, while accepting that we cannot know with certainty.
Curiosity makes room for another mind. Certainty can close that room.
Part SixThe Effect of Criticism and Mistrust
When I feel criticised
When I feel mistrusted
Accusation
“You are hiding something from me.”
Possible underlying fear
“I feel excluded and frightened that I no longer matter.”
More reflective expression
“I notice that I am becoming suspicious. I think I am frightened of being left out. Can we talk about what happened?”
Defensive withdrawal
“There is no point speaking because whatever I say will be wrong.”
Possible underlying fear
“I expect to be criticised and I am trying to protect myself.”
More reflective expression
“I want to answer, but I become guarded when I expect criticism. Could we slow the conversation down?”
Part SevenBecoming a Couple Again
For couples who have raised children together, the departure of adult children can reveal aspects of the relationship that were previously organised around parenting and practical responsibilities. This section is not about assigning cause — it is an invitation to notice what has shifted.
Part EightFrom Accusation to Emotional Communication
This exercise does not determine whether a concern is factually accurate. It helps you communicate the concern without immediately attacking or withdrawing. Examples of accusations this can help transform:
“You never tell me anything.”
“Whatever I say is wrong.”
“You obviously do not trust me.”
“There is no point trying to explain.”
Part NineA Small Repair
Tick anything you are willing to try, however small.
Closing ReflectionReflection
Questions I Would Like To Bring Into Therapy
Before finishing, take a moment to think about what feels most important to discuss in your next session. There is no need to answer every question. Simply note anything you would like to remember or explore further.
Understanding the Cycle Can Be a Beginning
If this worksheet has helped you recognise a pattern of mistrust, criticism, fear or withdrawal, couples therapy can provide a contained space in which to think about the cycle together. The aim is not to decide which partner is at fault, but to understand what happens between you and to develop safer ways of communicating.
If you are already working with a therapist, bring your completed worksheet to your next session. The most useful place to begin may be the point in the cycle where you felt most misunderstood, frightened, critical or withdrawn.
If you find this worksheet and its companion article helpful, you may also wish to subscribe to our clinical blog. Subscribers receive couples therapy reflections, psychodynamic insights, interactive clinical worksheets, and articles on relationships and emotional wellbeing delivered directly to their inbox.
Trust grows not from perfect certainty, but from repeated experiences of being heard, understood and treated with emotional care.
Ari Sotiriou provides Individual and Couples therapy from a psychodynamic perspective, via secure Live Video.
Dr Ruxandra Ion offers CBT courses and brings a psychiatric perspective; she does not provide psychiatric diagnosis or prescribe medication.
