The words we use with our children have a profound and often underestimated impact. A subtle, yet powerful observation is this: “When we criticise our children, we don’t risk them stopping loving us; we risk them stopping loving themselves.” This phrase encapsulates a crucial element of emotional development. In the realm of psychodynamic psychotherapy, understanding how parental criticism influences self-esteem is key to helping those who struggle with feelings of worthlessness later in life.
The Role of Criticism in Early Development
British psychoanalytic theorists such as Donald Winnicott and John Bowlby have greatly contributed to our understanding of how children internalise parental feedback. Winnicott, known for his theory of the “good enough mother,” proposed that a parent’s role is to provide a holding environment where a child feels secure, allowing them to develop a sense of self that is resilient and capable of withstanding life’s challenges. However, persistent or harsh criticism can undermine this environment, leading to the development of a “false self,” where a child feels the need to conform to parental expectations at the expense of their own self-worth.
John Bowlby’s attachment theory also helps us understand the consequences of criticism on a child’s self-esteem. According to Bowlby, a secure attachment is built on trust and affirmation. If a child’s early interactions with their caregivers are filled with criticism or conditional love, they may internalise the belief that they are not worthy of unconditional affection. This can result in an insecure attachment style, where the individual grows up feeling anxious, preoccupied, or avoidant in relationships, often fearing rejection or not believing they deserve love.
A Composite Case Study: Emily’s Struggle with Low Self-Esteem
Emily, a 35-year-old woman, sought therapy for what she described as “a lifelong struggle with low self-esteem.” Throughout our sessions, she revealed how, as a child, her parents frequently criticised her, focusing on her academic performance and behaviour. “You can do better,” her father would say, “You’re not trying hard enough.” At the time, Emily felt determined to please her parents, but as she grew older, she began to realise that no matter how hard she tried, it was never enough.
Through our work together, it became clear that Emily had internalised these criticisms. She had learned to measure her worth by external achievements, yet always felt she fell short. Her inner dialogue mirrored her parents’ criticisms: “I’m not good enough,” “I don’t deserve success.” This led to a pattern of self-sabotage in her professional life and difficulties in relationships, where she struggled to believe that anyone could love her for who she was, rather than what she accomplished.
From a psychoanalytic perspective, Emily had developed what Melanie Klein described as a “harsh superego,” where the critical voice of her parents had been internalised and turned against herself. This internalised parent figure constantly undermined her, making it difficult for her to experience joy or satisfaction from her achievements. In Klein’s terms, Emily was caught in a state of unresolved depressive anxiety, where the desire to protect herself from the harshness of this internal voice was in conflict with her need for self-compassion.
Breaking the Cycle: How Therapy Can Help
In therapy, the aim is not to blame parents but to understand the emotional legacy of these early experiences. For many people like Emily, exploring the origins of their low self-esteem within the context of childhood relationships can be a transformative experience. Understanding how parental criticism was internalised and how it continues to shape their self-perception is the first step toward healing.
Working through these dynamics, we can help clients develop what Winnicott referred to as a “true self”—a self that is based on their authentic desires, emotions, and capacities, rather than what they believe others expect from them. Through the therapeutic relationship, clients can experience an environment where they are accepted without judgment, allowing them to gradually internalise a more compassionate, less critical sense of self.
For Emily, the therapeutic process involved recognising that her self-worth did not depend on external validation or meeting impossible standards. By working through these issues in therapy, she began to challenge the internal critical voice and replace it with a more forgiving, understanding self-concept. Over time, she learned to take pride in her accomplishments, but more importantly, she learned to value herself for who she was, not just for what she did.
Conclusion
Criticism, when handled carefully, can help children grow and develop resilience. But when it becomes persistent or harsh, it can undermine a child’s developing sense of self-worth. Psychoanalytic theory provides valuable insights into how these early experiences shape self-esteem and offers a path for healing for those who struggle with these issues in adulthood.
If you or someone you know is grappling with low self-esteem, rooted perhaps in early experiences of criticism, therapy can offer a space to explore these feelings and rebuild a more positive, compassionate relationship with oneself. Reaching out for help is not a sign of weakness, but rather an important step toward reclaiming your self-worth.
If you’d like to know more about how psychodynamic psychotherapy can help with low self-esteem, feel free to get in touch for a consultation. Working through these deeper emotional issues can lead to profound changes in how you relate to yourself and others.
By Ari Sotiriou M.A. psychodynamic psychotherapist asotiriou@online-therapy-clinic.com