In the quiet corners of life, where love unfolds over decades, there exists a rhythm—a delicate dance of negotiation. A successful relationship, much like this dance, requires effort, adaptability, and the ability to dream together while remaining grounded in the here and now. This balance, I believe, is not only natural for some but can also be consciously cultivated.
Let me tell you a story.
Margaret and John first met in their early twenties at a community book club in a small Yorkshire town. They were drawn to each other by shared passions—poetry, philosophy, and the promise of the future. Margaret was enthralled by John’s ability to imagine a life of possibility, while John admired Margaret’s knack for savouring the beauty of the present moment.
Their courtship was marked by playful debates and long conversations, imagining the kind of life they wanted to create together. They spoke about a small cottage by the sea, the children they’d raise, and the bookshelves they’d build. But life, as it often does, introduced unforeseen challenges.
Years later, as they sat on the very bench where they’d had their first date, they reflected on the trials they had weathered together. Their disagreements about careers, parenting, and even trivial things like holiday destinations had at times felt insurmountable. Yet, every disagreement had been met with the same ritual: a discussion, a shared vision for a resolution, and a celebration of the compromise they reached.
Margaret shared how, early in their marriage, John had suggested they consciously set aside time every week to discuss anything unresolved. “It was daunting at first,” she said, “but it became our sanctuary. We learned not to fear conflict but to embrace it as part of our growth.”
John chimed in, recalling how they’d developed a habit of celebrating even their smallest achievements. “After settling that argument about whether to move to London or stay here in Yorkshire, we opened a bottle of wine and toasted to our future,” he laughed. “It’s silly now, but each success reminded us of our strength as a team.”
Their story embodies the principles I often explore in my work with couples in therapy. Drawing from the British Psychoanalytic School of thought, particularly the ideas of Donald Winnicott, I see relationships as a “potential space” where partners can safely share fantasies, project a future together, and remain fully immersed in the present. Winnicott’s notion of the “holding environment,” a space where individuals feel secure enough to explore and grow, parallels what Margaret and John created for each other—a relationship that held them in both joy and struggle.
In therapy, I invite couples to cultivate these skills. I encourage them to celebrate their successes—not in grand gestures but in ways that allow these moments to solidify in memory. Acknowledging wins, no matter how small, reinforces the emotional robustness of the relationship.
But equally important is addressing what hasn’t worked. Couples are encouraged to schedule time to discuss unresolved negotiations. These conversations, though uncomfortable, are vital for moving forward. Together, we work through the outcomes until both partners feel satisfied, and then we celebrate their shared achievement. This practice mirrors Margaret and John’s journey, where past successful negotiations gradually built a reservoir of trust, safety, and confidence.
As Margaret put it, “It’s like planting seeds in a garden. Each resolved disagreement is a seed, and with time, you realise you’ve grown an entire forest.”
Their story reminds us that successful relationships are not built on the absence of conflict but on the ability to navigate it with grace and shared purpose. When couples consciously cultivate the ability to share fantasies, project themselves into the future, and appreciate the here and now, they create a bond that withstands the test of time.
As Margaret and John walked hand-in-hand back to their cottage that evening, the reflection of their younger selves in a nearby puddle was unmistakable. The dreams they had nurtured together over the years had not only been realised but had also deepened their love.
In the end, the secret to a lifelong negotiation isn’t perfection—it’s the willingness to keep showing up, keep talking, and keep dreaming together. And when the dance of negotiation is done right, it becomes timeless.
By Ari Sotiriou M.A. Couples Psychotherapist