Introduction
When couples seek therapy, it’s usually because something in their relationship has reached a point where outside help feels necessary. Whether it’s conflict, emotional distance, communication breakdown, or repeating patterns, the couple is hoping for change. Starting therapy is a significant step—and how the process begins can deeply shape what follows.
This article explores why beginning with a joint session is key, why splitting the first session into individual meetings can be unhelpful, and how insights from British Psychoanalytic Theory shed light on the importance of framing in couples therapy.
The Relationship Is the “Client”
Couples therapy differs from individual therapy in a fundamental way: the client is the relationship itself. While each person brings their own emotional history and perspective, the work focuses on the dynamic that arises between them.
By starting with both partners in the room, the therapist can observe not only what each person says but also how they speak to—and about—each other. This live interaction is rich with information: tone of voice, timing, defensive patterns, emotional triggers, and attempts at connection or repair.
British psychoanalyst Christopher Bollas reminds us that we don’t just relate to others—we relate to our internal world of past relationships. In couples work, partners often respond not only to each other but to unconscious internal “objects”—emotionally charged figures shaped by early life experiences. Therapy creates space to notice and reflect on these responses together.
Why Not Start with Individual Sessions?
1. It Undermines the Relational Frame
The therapeutic frame is the structure that holds the work. In couples therapy, this frame should support shared exploration. Starting with separate sessions, even short ones, subtly shifts the focus away from the relationship and toward each person’s individual narrative.
Instead of supporting a sense of “we are in this together,” it can introduce a competitive tone: “who will the therapist believe?”
2. It Encourages Splitting and Bias
In psychoanalytic theory, particularly the work of Ronald Fairbairn and Melanie Klein, we learn about splitting—a defence mechanism where people unconsciously divide experiences or people into “good” and “bad” to manage anxiety.
In the therapy room, this may play out as each partner projecting opposing roles onto the therapist (rescuer/persecutor, ally/adversary). Seeing each person individually at the start may intensify this tendency and create perceptions of partiality.
3. It Can Feel Unfair
Even if time is divided equally, one partner may feel the other had more space, shared a more persuasive account, or received more empathy. For couples already in conflict, these perceptions can add fuel to the fire.
4. There’s Not Enough Time to Work Deeply
Twenty-five minutes is rarely enough time to build rapport, understand emotional context, or manage distress if sensitive material arises. It risks a shallow beginning where both partners feel unheard or emotionally uncontained.
When Individual Sessions Are Appropriate
This is not to say that individual meetings have no place in couples therapy. In some cases, they may be clinically useful—especially when assessing for risk, addressing trauma histories, or supporting one partner who struggles to speak openly in the other’s presence.
However, these sessions should emerge naturally from the process, once a strong shared frame has been established. As psychoanalyst Donald Winnicott wrote, the “holding environment” of therapy must feel safe and containing. Splitting the first encounter can disrupt that containment before it’s had a chance to form.
A Thoughtful Alternative
Instead of starting with two short individual sessions, a better alternative may be:
Begin with a full 50-minute joint session. Assess the couple’s dynamic, communication style, and emotional needs. If appropriate, schedule one individual session for each partner (50 minutes each), followed by a return to joint sessions.
This structure preserves the relational focus while allowing space for individual complexities when needed. It also helps prevent assumptions of bias and keeps the therapist aligned with the therapeutic goals.
Psychoanalytic Insights: The Shared Unconscious
British Psychoanalytic Theory offers rich insight into couples dynamics. The relationship can become a stage where each partner replays unconscious roles from early life. A partner may unconsciously represent a critical parent, an abandoning figure, or a disappointing sibling. These projections aren’t deliberate, but they are powerful.
The therapist’s role is to help make these unconscious patterns visible—not by siding with one partner, but by observing how both contribute to and suffer from the cycle. This work begins the moment the couple walks into the therapy room together.
Conclusion
How therapy begins sets the tone for everything that follows. In couples work, the initial session isn’t just an administrative starting point—it’s a vital moment of observation, containment, and meaning-making.
Seeing both partners together first allows the therapist to hold the relationship itself as the client. It encourages fairness, reduces unconscious splitting, and supports the creation of a balanced, shared therapeutic space.
When couples are offered therapy that starts with clarity, thoughtfulness, and a strong frame, they’re more likely to feel safe enough to explore their difficulties—and more open to the possibility of meaningful change.
Further Reading & Resources:
Bollas, C. (1987). The Shadow of the Object: Psychoanalysis of the Unthought Known
Fairbairn, W.R.D. (1952). Psychoanalytic Studies of the Personality
Winnicott, D.W. (1960). The Theory of the Parent-Infant Relationship
By Ari Sotiriou M.A. psychodynamic psychotherapist
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