Curiosity is a fundamental part of the human experience. It’s what drives us to explore, to learn, and to connect with the world around us. Yet, there’s a curious contrast in how curiosity is perceived between children and adults. As a psychotherapist, I often reflect on this dynamic, especially in the context of how curiosity shapes relationships and personal growth.
Curiosity in Childhood: Innocence and Wonder
As children, curiosity is encouraged and celebrated. It’s seen as an essential part of learning and growing. A toddler’s wide-eyed wonder, the way they ask endless questions and marvel at the simplest things, is often perceived as cute, charming, and completely natural. Teachers, parents, and caregivers respond with patience, admiration, and the desire to nurture that sense of wonder. There’s no threat in the child’s questions. Rather, their curiosity is often a sign of intellectual growth, the development of critical thinking, and the excitement of discovering the world for the first time.
Think about a child at an aquarium, eyes wide, fully immersed in the beauty of the fish swimming around them. They’re not just looking; they’re actively engaging with the world. In those moments, curiosity feels like pure innocence. It’s something we encourage and value.
Curiosity in Adulthood: A Different Lens
But as we grow older, curiosity can take on a different tone, particularly in personal relationships. Adults who display a high level of curiosity, especially in a relational context, may sometimes be viewed differently. Rather than being celebrated, adult curiosity can be perceived as intrusive, challenging, or even threatening. It might be seen as questioning motives, doubting authority, or exposing vulnerabilities.
Why is that?
As adults, we often face societal pressures to appear confident, composed, and in control. When someone exhibits curiosity that challenges these norms—by asking probing questions or seeking deeper understanding—it can unsettle the status quo. There’s a discomfort that arises when we’re confronted with questions we don’t have answers to or when our assumptions are questioned. Adult curiosity, in this sense, can be seen as an invitation to confront uncomfortable truths, and this can feel threatening to our carefully constructed identities and relationships.
The Role of Curiosity in Therapy
In the therapeutic space, curiosity takes on a different role altogether. As a psychodynamic therapist, I’ve witnessed how people struggle with curiosity about themselves. For many of my clients, the act of being curious about their own feelings and behaviors is one of the most difficult aspects of therapy. It can feel risky—what if they uncover something they don’t like or don’t know how to address? But it’s only through this self-inquiry, this willingness to explore, that growth and change can happen.
One of my long-term clients, for example, has spent decades in therapy. He started with a belief that his difficulties in relationships were rooted in his own perceived lack of sexual responsiveness. Over time, through consistent reflection, he’s come to understand that the real issue lies within his relational dynamics. This realization didn’t come easily, but it’s an essential part of his journey toward healing. What began as an innocent curiosity about his feelings and behavior evolved into a transformative process of self-discovery.
Reclaiming Curiosity in Our Relationships
The good news is that curiosity doesn’t have to be threatening, even in adulthood. In fact, embracing curiosity in relationships—whether with ourselves or others—can lead to deeper understanding and intimacy. When we ask questions and show genuine interest in another person’s experiences, thoughts, and emotions, it opens up space for connection. Curiosity becomes a tool for building trust rather than an act of challenge.
So, how can we reclaim curiosity in a way that feels safe and productive, especially in relationships?
1. Be gentle with your curiosity: Approach your questions with care, especially when engaging with loved ones. Acknowledge their comfort levels and be mindful of how your curiosity may land.
2. Embrace self-inquiry: If you’re struggling with personal relationships, try asking yourself deeper questions about what’s truly happening beneath the surface. Self-awareness is a powerful tool for change.
3. Foster curiosity in others: Encourage curiosity in the people around you, whether it’s your partner, friend, or family member. Create a space where questions and open dialogue are welcomed, not feared.
4. Challenge your own assumptions: As adults, it’s easy to fall into patterns of thought that limit our understanding of the world and the people in it. Practice questioning your own beliefs and biases with the same openness you once had as a child.
Curiosity: Innocence or Threat?
Conclusion: Embracing the Power of Curiosity
Curiosity is not a trait that should be reserved only for childhood. It’s a vital tool for learning, growth, and connection throughout our lives. When we can approach curiosity with an open heart and a willingness to face the unknown, we unlock new pathways for understanding and intimacy. Whether in therapy, personal relationships, or within ourselves, curiosity holds the power to transform our lives.
So, let’s embrace it—without fear, without judgment, and with the same wonder we had as children.
By Ari Sotiriou M.A. Psychodynamic psychotherapist
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