Have you ever felt like the truth was too much for someone to handle? Or maybe, on the flip side, you’ve suspected that someone wasn’t being completely honest with you because they didn’t think you were “ready” to hear it? This idea—that truth is something to be earned or deserved—touches on a very human struggle in relationships: how do we balance honesty with protecting ourselves or others from emotional harm?
Let’s dive into this complex issue and explore how therapy, particularly Cognitive Behavioural Therapy (CBT) and Psychodynamic Psychotherapy, can help individuals and couples navigate the tricky waters of honesty.
Why Do People Hold Back the Truth?
Many people hold back the truth in relationships for different reasons. It could be to avoid hurting someone’s feelings, to prevent conflict, or simply out of fear that the truth might cause more damage than good. Often, withholding honesty or telling “white lies” comes from a place of wanting to protect ourselves or the ones we care about. We tell ourselves that some people might not be able to handle the truth, so we “spare” them—or we fear they will abandon or reject us if they know how we truly feel.
At first glance, this can seem harmless. After all, what’s the harm in holding back a little, right? But over time, this habit of shielding others (or ourselves) from the truth can slowly erode trust and intimacy in relationships.
The feeling of deserving or not deserving the truth often creates a power imbalance, where one person decides how much of the reality the other should get. This can make a relationship feel less equal and eventually lead to a sense of distance or disconnection.
The Costs of Withholding Honesty
When people don’t feel like they are receiving the whole truth, it can lead to:
- Distrust: If one person senses that they are not being told everything, they might start to feel unsure about the relationship or even suspect dishonesty in other areas.
- Emotional Distance: If partners, friends, or family members aren’t honest with each other, it creates emotional walls. People become afraid to be vulnerable and genuine, leading to a feeling of disconnect.
- Insecurity: Not knowing the full truth can leave people feeling insecure and anxious, especially in close relationships where trust is essential.
Is Brutal Honesty the Solution?
Not necessarily. While some people might believe in the “brutal truth,” throwing the full weight of our honest thoughts and feelings at someone without considering how they’ll receive it can sometimes do more harm than good. A relationship where there’s no regard for the other person’s emotional state can become just as unhealthy as one based on dishonesty.
The key is to balance honesty with empathy. Being truthful is important, but so is thinking about how the other person will feel when they hear it. This doesn’t mean sugar-coating the truth, but rather presenting it in a way that respects both the reality of the situation and the feelings of those involved.
How Can Therapy Help?
Whether you’re struggling to express your own truth or feeling like you’re not getting the whole picture from others, therapy can offer a way forward. Both Cognitive Behavioural Therapy (CBT) and Psychodynamic Psychotherapy offer valuable tools and insights for working through these issues in relationships.
Cognitive Behavioural Therapy (CBT)
CBT is a goal-oriented approach that helps people identify and challenge negative thought patterns and behaviours. When it comes to honesty in relationships, CBT can help in several ways:
- Identifying Thought Distortions: Sometimes, the decision to withhold truth comes from distorted thinking—like believing that telling the truth will automatically lead to disaster or that we must protect others from certain realities. CBT helps people recognise these unhelpful thoughts and replace them with more balanced, realistic ones.
- Managing Emotional Reactions: One of the reasons people avoid honesty is because they fear emotional conflict. CBT teaches strategies to manage emotional reactions, both our own and those of others. This can make it easier to handle difficult conversations without spiralling into arguments or shutting down emotionally.
- Building Communication Skills: A big part of CBT is learning how to communicate more effectively. This includes being clear, assertive, and empathetic when sharing the truth. CBT encourages people to practice assertiveness, which means being honest without being aggressive or hurtful.
For example, instead of saying, “You never listen to me,” a more constructive and honest statement might be, “I feel like I’m not being heard when we talk about this issue.” This approach is still truthful but also opens up space for a productive conversation.
Psychodynamic Psychotherapy
While CBT focuses more on thoughts and behaviours in the present, Psychodynamic Psychotherapy looks deeper into how our past experiences shape our current relationships. It aims to bring unconscious emotions and patterns to the surface, helping us understand why we behave the way we do.
In terms of honesty in relationships, Psychodynamic Therapy can be particularly useful in exploring the underlying reasons why we might hold back the truth or feel that others aren’t truthful with us. These reasons often stem from early life experiences and our relationships with caregivers.
- Exploring Past Relationships: Many people develop their ideas about truth and honesty based on their early relationships with parents or caregivers. For example, if someone grew up in a family where expressing difficult emotions led to punishment or rejection, they might learn to withhold the truth in order to protect themselves. In therapy, they can explore these early experiences and how they influence their current relationships.
- Understanding Defence Mechanisms: Withholding the truth can sometimes be a defence mechanism—a way to avoid feeling vulnerable, hurt, or rejected. Psychodynamic Therapy helps people understand these defences and work through the fears behind them. Once these unconscious fears are brought to light, individuals can begin to engage in more open, honest communication without feeling overwhelmed.
- Developing Emotional Awareness: In Psychodynamic Therapy, there’s a strong emphasis on understanding and processing emotions. As people become more aware of their own feelings and motives, they can also become more attuned to the emotions of others. This emotional insight helps in navigating the balance between being honest and being sensitive to the needs of those around us.
A Path Toward Healthier Relationships
Ultimately, both CBT and Psychodynamic Psychotherapy offer different but complementary tools for helping people build healthier, more honest relationships. While CBT focuses on practical communication strategies and emotional management, Psychodynamic Therapy goes deeper, helping people understand the emotional roots of their behaviour.
Here are a few key takeaways from therapy that can help improve honesty in relationships:
- Honesty Doesn’t Have to Be Brutal: Truth can be delivered with empathy and care. Think about how you’d want to hear difficult news before sharing it with someone else.
- Recognise Your Defences: Are you withholding the truth because you’re afraid of conflict, rejection, or emotional discomfort? Therapy can help you understand these fears and learn healthier ways to communicate.
- Build Emotional Resilience: Whether you’re sharing the truth or hearing it, emotional resilience is key. Learning to manage your own reactions can make it easier to navigate honest conversations without feeling overwhelmed.
- Trust Can Be Rebuilt: If dishonesty has damaged trust in your relationship, therapy can help you both work toward rebuilding it. With time, open communication, and a willingness to be vulnerable, trust can grow again.
Final Thoughts
The idea that “the truth is only for those who deserve it” touches on a very human struggle. We all want to protect ourselves and our loved ones from hurt, but withholding the truth can often do more harm than good in the long run. Therapy offers a way to explore these issues and find a healthier balance between honesty and care in our relationships. Whether through CBT’s practical strategies or Psychodynamic Therapy’s deeper emotional exploration, the goal is the same: to create relationships built on trust, understanding, and mutual respect.
If you’re struggling with honesty in your relationships, seeking support from a therapist could be the first step toward building stronger, more authentic connections.
By Ari Sotiriou M.A. psychodynamic psychotherapist co-founder Online Therapy Clinic