The motivation to write this essay stems from a deep curiosity about the psychological dynamics that govern relationships, particularly those marked by acts of giving and receiving. As a psychotherapist, I have often encountered the complexities that arise between individuals engaged in such exchanges—whether between friends, colleagues, or even strangers. These relationships are rarely as simple as they appear on the surface. Beneath the exchange of kindness or assistance, unconscious forces are at play, influencing how both the benefactor and the recipient experience and interpret their roles. In this essay, I seek to explore the nuanced psychological undercurrents that shape the dynamic between benefactor and recipient, drawing on both clinical experience and psychoanalytic theory to illuminate the often unspoken aspects of these interactions. By examining the unconscious projections, power imbalances, and emotional consequences that can emerge, I aim to provide a deeper understanding of the relational complexities that define these exchanges and offer insights into how they can be navigated in a more conscious and constructive way.
This World is Strange: The Unspoken Dynamics Between Benefactor and Recipient
The world, as it often reveals itself to us, is a place of unexpected turns and unanticipated consequences. There is something unsettling in the knowledge that, for all our best efforts to navigate it with kindness and generosity, we may find ourselves faced with betrayal or ingratitude from those we least expect. “This world is strange,” says the observer, “you never know what might happen, but you should be wary of the one you’ve done good by.” In these words, there is a suggestion of disillusionment, a recognition that acts of kindness do not always bear fruit, and that the complex relationship between benefactor and recipient can often be fraught with hidden tensions.
At the heart of this dynamic is the unconscious interplay between the one who gives and the one who receives. The act of giving, particularly when it is generous or selfless, is not always as straightforward as it may seem. Beneath the surface, there are psychological currents that shape the way these roles unfold. Both the benefactor and the recipient bring their unconscious expectations, histories, and desires into the interaction. The benefactor may, without realising it, project a need for validation or power onto the recipient, while the recipient may feel the weight of a debt, leading to feelings of shame, resentment, or dependence. These dynamics can be subtle yet profound, creating an atmosphere of tension that lingers long after the act of kindness is completed.
The Narcissistic Contract
One of the first psychological dynamics that can emerge in the relationship between benefactor and recipient is what might be called the “narcissistic contract.” The benefactor, through their act of giving, may unconsciously expect something in return—whether it be gratitude, loyalty, or even admiration. At its best, this dynamic can be understood as a desire to be recognised for one’s kindness, to have one’s generosity acknowledged. Yet, at its worst, it can evolve into a form of covert control, where the benefactor subtly demands reciprocity. When this expectation is not met—when the recipient fails to show the required level of gratitude or commitment—the benefactor may feel deeply betrayed, even though the recipient may have had no such obligation in mind.
This dynamic speaks to an inherent imbalance in the relationship between giver and receiver. The benefactor, in seeking to “help,” may be driven not just by a desire to do good, but also by an unconscious need to assert their own sense of superiority or moral authority. They may believe that they are better, more virtuous, or more capable than the recipient, and that their goodness deserves to be recognised. When the recipient does not play their part in the unspoken social contract—whether by failing to acknowledge the benefactor’s sacrifice or by not reciprocating in kind—the benefactor’s sense of self can be threatened, leading to feelings of resentment or anger.
The Burden of Gratitude
On the other side of the equation lies the recipient, who is often left with the heavy burden of gratitude. Receiving help or support from another person—especially when it is significant—can be both a gift and a burden. While many recipients will genuinely feel thankful, there is an unconscious tension that often accompanies receiving kindness. The recipient may feel indebted to the benefactor, not just in a tangible sense, but on a deeper psychological level. This debt is not easily repaid, as it is not only the material or practical help that is at stake, but also the emotional and psychological burden that comes with accepting another’s charity.
For some, this debt can feel suffocating. They may feel that their autonomy is being compromised, that by accepting help, they have somehow sold a part of themselves or become beholden to another. The recipient may also feel guilty, especially if they sense that the benefactor’s motives were not entirely altruistic, but driven by a need for recognition or control. In some cases, the recipient may even begin to resent the benefactor, feeling trapped by their generosity, or worse, by their expectations. This sense of resentment can manifest as a desire to distance oneself from the benefactor, or to refuse their help altogether in an effort to reassert control over the relationship.
The Power of Projective Identification
An important psychological process that can arise in this dynamic is projective identification, a term used in psychoanalysis to describe a process where one person unconsciously projects parts of themselves—usually unwanted or disowned aspects—onto another. In the case of the benefactor, this mechanism may manifest in the unconscious desire to “repair” or attend to a part of themselves through the act of giving. The benefactor may project feelings of inadequacy, unworthiness, or guilt onto the recipient, and in helping them, attempt to restore a sense of wholeness or superiority.
For example, a person who feels they lack self-worth may find it difficult to acknowledge their own needs. In such a case, they might project this neediness onto the recipient of their generosity, perceiving the other person as deserving of help, while they themselves remain “above” any need for assistance. In this way, the benefactor unconsciously seeks to heal or compensate for their own unmet needs by offering help, often in a way that subtly positions them as superior to the recipient. This projection can create an uneven balance in the relationship, with the benefactor maintaining an emotional distance from their own vulnerabilities by projecting them onto the recipient.
Similarly, the recipient may not only receive help but also take on the benefactor’s projected feelings. They may begin to feel dependent, inadequate, or even guilty, as though they are responsible for the benefactor’s emotional needs or deficits. This creates a cycle of emotional contagion where both parties remain unaware of the deeper forces at play. Rather than genuinely helping or receiving help, they are caught in a process of mutual projection and identification that leaves both feeling incomplete or misunderstood.
Splitting and Resentment
Another significant dynamic that can emerge in the relationship between benefactor and recipient is splitting, a process where the benefactor sees the recipient in either an idealised or demonised light. Initially, the recipient may be viewed as the perfect object of care—a person who, through their need, justifies the benefactor’s actions and reinforces their sense of self-worth. However, when the recipient fails to meet the benefactor’s expectations, or when the debt of gratitude is not repaid in a way that satisfies the benefactor, the recipient may be split into an object of disappointment or betrayal.
This splitting can lead to feelings of hostility or even contempt from the benefactor, who may feel that their generosity has been “wasted.” The recipient, in turn, may begin to internalise these negative projections, leading to a sense of guilt or shame. This dynamic can perpetuate a cycle of idealisation and devaluation, where both parties become increasingly alienated from one another.
The Strange Dance of Giving and Receiving
The world is indeed strange, as the observer rightly points out. It is full of unexpected twists, where kindness can sometimes be met with resentment, and generosity can lead to emotional entanglement rather than mutual satisfaction. The psychological dynamics between benefactor and recipient are complex, shaped by unconscious projections, hidden expectations, and unresolved emotional needs. Whether through narcissistic contracts, the burden of gratitude, or the mechanisms of projective identification, these relationships are rarely as simple as they seem.
Ultimately, the strange nature of this world lies in its unpredictability—the fact that those we help may, at times, turn on us, and that our own unconscious needs and vulnerabilities can colour our acts of kindness. The key to navigating this complexity lies not just in the act of giving, but in an awareness of the deeper psychological forces at play, and the willingness to engage in these dynamics with honesty and self-awareness.
A Composite Clinical Case: Relational Therapy of Tech Startup Co-Founders
In the clinical work with a couple of tech startup co-founders, I was presented with a complex and highly charged relational dynamic. Alex and Jamie, both in their mid-30s, had been childhood friends and business partners for several years, founding a tech startup that had seen significant success. However, as the business grew, so did the emotional tension between them.
Alex had assumed the role of the company’s CEO, while Jamie, a highly skilled programmer, managed the technical aspects. Initially, their relationship had been one of deep trust and mutual respect. Yet, as the demands of the business increased, so did their emotional distance. Both began to feel misunderstood, underappreciated, and increasingly frustrated with each other’s role in the company. The core issue they presented during our sessions was a growing sense of resentment and confusion about their partnership, despite having shared a history of loyalty and friendship.
The Narcissistic Contract and Power Dynamics
From the outset, it became apparent that their relationship was deeply influenced by an unconscious “narcissistic contract.” Alex, as the CEO, had assumed an air of moral authority in the company, feeling a strong need for external validation. His position as the face of the company afforded him visibility and accolades, yet he found himself increasingly insecure about his leadership, particularly when Jamie’s technical expertise was praised by others. Alex struggled with a deep need for recognition—something that, over time, Jamie failed to provide in a way that felt satisfying. This need for validation wasn’t just about acknowledgment; it was also tied to a more profound sense of superiority and control over the company’s trajectory.
Jamie, on the other hand, was extremely competent in the technical aspects of the startup but felt marginalized and overlooked by Alex. Although Jamie was the brains behind the product’s development, they felt that Alex’s role allowed him to take the lion’s share of the credit. The frustration Jamie experienced in not receiving due recognition gradually morphed into resentment. Jamie began to feel that Alex was monopolising the limelight, leaving little space for their contributions to be properly acknowledged. They felt trapped in a position of dependency, both emotionally and professionally, which started to erode the trust they had once shared.
The Burden of Gratitude and Dependency
In their therapy sessions, Jamie revealed a deep sense of indebtedness to Alex. Having started the business together, Jamie felt that they owed everything to Alex—who had, at various points in their life, been a supportive friend. However, over time, this sense of gratitude had become suffocating. Jamie’s growing resentment was not just about the lack of recognition; it was tied to an unconscious feeling of being indebted to Alex in ways that went beyond the professional. There was a sense of guilt attached to wanting more from the business and from their relationship with Alex, but a fear that expressing this need might result in rejection or alienation.
Alex, on the other hand, projected a sense of omnipotence in his leadership. He believed that his sacrifices, time, and vision were the primary drivers of the company’s success, while Jamie’s contributions were often sidelined or undervalued. Alex had, in essence, created a narrative in which he was the saviour of the company, with Jamie playing a secondary role. However, this narrative was increasingly difficult for Jamie to accept, especially as the business’s success grew, and Jamie’s own technical expertise became more indispensable to the company’s future.
Projective Identification: Repairing the Self
As the sessions unfolded, it became clear that both Alex and Jamie were engaging in projective identification, albeit unconsciously. Alex’s need for validation was projected onto Jamie, who in turn internalised Alex’s need to be the recognised leader. In other words, Alex’s unresolved feelings of inadequacy and fear of failure were projected onto Jamie’s perceived passivity and dependence. This dynamic was particularly evident in the way Alex treated Jamie’s technical contributions: although he intellectually recognised their value, he unconsciously dismissed them as secondary or supplementary to his own leadership.
Jamie, conversely, projected their own feelings of anger and frustration about their marginalisation onto Alex’s leadership. They unconsciously blamed Alex for their own sense of being overlooked and undervalued. However, Jamie was also projecting their own unresolved sense of inferiority onto Alex’s role, positioning Alex as someone who must constantly be in control, in order to preserve Jamie’s own self-image as the “subordinate” partner.
Both parties were essentially using the other to manage unresolved parts of themselves—Alex using Jamie’s perceived inadequacy to prop up his own self-esteem, and Jamie using Alex’s leadership as a way to avoid confronting their own need for independence and validation. This projection created a cycle of emotional contagion, where both were caught in a feedback loop of resentment, guilt, and frustration.
Splitting and Devaluation
As the tension between them deepened, both Alex and Jamie began to split their perceptions of each other. Alex initially idealised Jamie as the loyal, competent co-founder who would always support his vision. However, as Jamie began to express more frustration and distance, Alex started to view Jamie in a more negative light—perceiving them as ungrateful, passive, and perhaps even uncommitted to the success of the company.
Similarly, Jamie began to devalue Alex, seeing them as controlling, domineering, and uninterested in genuine collaboration. In therapy, Jamie revealed how they felt increasingly pushed aside by Alex’s decisions and felt that their input was often dismissed without consideration. This devaluation led Jamie to feel disconnected, both professionally and emotionally, from Alex.
The Therapeutic Process
Throughout their sessions, I focused on helping both parties gain greater awareness of their unconscious dynamics. Alex was encouraged to explore his need for validation and his fear of losing control, while Jamie was asked to confront their feelings of guilt, dependency, and resentment. I tried to help them recognise the projections they were both engaging in and to see how these projections had contributed to their sense of frustration and emotional distance.
One crucial intervention involved helping Alex recognise that Jamie’s technical expertise was not a threat to his position, but rather an essential part of the company’s success. Alex was encouraged to reframe his perception of Jamie as a partner rather than a subordinate. Jamie, in turn, was encouraged to acknowledge their own self-worth and to separate their professional identity from their sense of loyalty and indebtedness to Alex. I tried to help both partners develop a more realistic view of their roles within the company, focusing on mutual respect, shared goals, and a more collaborative, rather than competitive, dynamic.
Over time, both Alex and Jamie began to recognise the emotional wounds that had been triggered by their professional roles. By confronting these wounds in therapy, they were able to create a more balanced relationship—one in which both felt valued, respected, and recognised for their unique contributions.
The relationship between benefactor and recipient, as seen in this case, is often much more than a simple exchange of goods or services. It is fraught with unconscious dynamics that can both strengthen and undermine the connection between the two parties. In the case of Alex and Jamie, their partnership was initially built on a foundation of mutual respect and shared history. However, as the pressures of running a successful business grew, so did the emotional tensions between them. Through relational therapy, they were able to confront their unconscious projections, recognise the narcissistic elements at play, and ultimately develop a more balanced and mutually supportive partnership. This case highlights the intricate psychological dynamics that underlie even the most seemingly straightforward of professional relationships, where the roles of benefactor and recipient are continually shifting and evolving.
Epilogue
The dynamics explored in the clinical case of Alex and Jamie provide a tangible illustration of the psychological processes at play in the broader relationship between benefactor and recipient. In both scenarios, there exists a complex interplay of projection, unconscious expectations, and shifting power dynamics that shape the interactions. Just as Alex and Jamie unconsciously projected their unmet needs and insecurities onto one another, so too do benefactors and recipients in everyday relationships. The benefactor may project their need for validation or control onto the recipient, while the recipient may internalise feelings of guilt or inadequacy. This unconscious exchange can lead to both parties feeling misunderstood, frustrated, or trapped, despite the outward appearance of generosity or support. By understanding these dynamics, as the therapeutic work with Alex and Jamie demonstrated, both parties can begin to break free from these projections and reframe their relationship in a healthier, more collaborative light. This deeper awareness can ultimately help navigate the often unspoken and emotionally charged landscape of giving and receiving.
By Ari Sotiriou Relational Therapist
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enquiries@online-therapy-clinic.com
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