When couples come to therapy with concerns about finances, it’s often tempting to focus solely on the numbers. Yet, as any seasoned therapist knows, money is rarely just about money. In many cases, financial disagreements are a proxy for deeper, underlying issues within the relationship. This can be especially true when there’s a noticeable income disparity, as seen in the case of a couple where the female partner earns significantly less than her male partner and feels burdened by his expectations.
This situation calls for a deeper exploration through the lens of object relations theory—a branch of psychoanalytic thought that emphasizes the importance of early relationships in shaping our current relational patterns.
Object Relations Theory and Attachment Styles
At its core, object relations theory suggests that our early experiences with caregivers shape our internal “objects,” or mental representations of ourselves and others. These internal objects guide our expectations and behaviors in adult relationships. If a person experienced inconsistent or anxious attachment in childhood, they might carry those same patterns into their adult relationships, manifesting as insecurity, fear of abandonment, or an overwhelming need for reassurance.
In the scenario where the female partner feels inadequate due to her lower income, it’s worth considering whether this might stem from an anxious attachment style. Individuals with anxious attachment often struggle with feelings of inadequacy and fear that they will not be enough for their partner. This fear can manifest as a heightened sensitivity to any perceived imbalance in the relationship, such as income disparity. The real issue here may not be about money at all, but rather a deep-seated fear of not being valued or loved.
Money as a Proxy for Emotional Security
In this case, money might be serving as a stand-in for emotional security. The female partner’s concern that her male partner expects more from her than she can provide may reflect an underlying anxiety that she is not enough—financially, emotionally, or otherwise. The male partner, on the other hand, might be unconsciously reinforcing this dynamic, possibly due to his own unresolved attachment issues or internalized expectations about gender roles and success.
From an object relations perspective, both partners are likely enacting patterns of behavior rooted in their early experiences with caregivers. The male partner may unconsciously expect his partner to meet certain needs that are tied to his own internal objects—perhaps an idealized version of a caregiver who provided him with a sense of security. Meanwhile, the female partner may be reacting to these expectations with feelings of inadequacy and fear, reflecting her own internalized objects.
Shifting the Focus: From Money to Emotional Connection
To move forward, it’s crucial for the couple to recognize and address the underlying emotional dynamics at play. The first step is to shift the focus from financial concerns to the emotional needs and fears that are driving their behaviors.
1. Open Communication About Feelings: The couple should be encouraged to discuss their fears and insecurities openly, without framing the conversation around money. For instance, the female partner might express her fear of not being enough and how the income disparity exacerbates this fear. The male partner, in turn, might share any expectations he has and explore where they originate from. This dialogue can help both partners see that their conflict is not about money, but about deeper emotional needs.
2. Exploring Early Attachments: The therapist can guide the couple in exploring how their early attachment experiences might be influencing their current relationship dynamics. Understanding these patterns can help both partners develop greater empathy for each other and reduce the blame and frustration that often accompany financial disagreements.
3. Reframing Expectations: The couple can work together to reframe their expectations of each other. For the male partner, this might involve recognizing that his partner’s worth is not tied to her income and exploring other ways to feel supported and secure in the relationship. For the female partner, it may involve challenging her internalized belief that she must meet certain financial standards to be valued in the relationship.
4. Developing Secure Attachment Behaviours: Both partners can benefit from learning and practicing behaviors that foster a secure attachment. This might include offering and seeking reassurance in healthy ways, being responsive to each other’s emotional needs, and building a sense of safety and trust in the relationship.
Conclusion: Moving Beyond Money to Build a Stronger Relationship
By addressing the underlying attachment issues through the framework of object relations theory, the couple can begin to move beyond their financial concerns and focus on what really matters: their emotional connection. Through open communication, exploration of early attachment experiences, and reframing expectations, they can build a relationship that is not only more resilient but also more fulfilling for both partners.
In the end, it’s not about the money—it’s about feeling valued, secure, and loved in the relationship. By shifting the focus from financial disparity to emotional intimacy, this couple has the opportunity to transform their relationship into one that meets both partners’ deepest emotional needs.
Expanding Point 4: Developing Secure Attachment Behaviours
Developing secure attachment behaviours involves consciously cultivating patterns of interaction that foster trust, safety, and emotional connection between partners. These behaviours help counteract the negative effects of anxious or avoidant attachment styles and strengthen the overall bond in the relationship. Below are expanded suggestions with concrete, hypothetical examples that demonstrate how this couple might implement these behaviours in their relationship.
1. Offering Reassurance in Healthy Ways
A key aspect of secure attachment is the ability to reassure each other during times of insecurity or doubt. For the female partner, who might feel anxious about her perceived inadequacy due to income disparity, reassurance from her male partner can be vital in soothing her fears and building a sense of security.
Example:
– Situation: The female partner is feeling particularly down after seeing a major expense on their budget. She starts to worry aloud, saying, “I just feel like I’m not contributing enough. I don’t know how you can be okay with this.”
– Response* Instead of dismissing her concerns or telling her not to worry, the male partner could respond with empathy and reassurance: “I understand why this might be worrying you, but please know that what you bring to our relationship is so much more than money. I value the love, support, and care you give me every day. We’re in this together, and I’m not expecting you to contribute more than what you’re already doing.”
This type of response acknowledges her feelings, validates her concerns, and emphasizes the emotional contributions she makes to the relationship, which can help her feel more secure.
2. Being Responsive to Each Other’s Emotional Needs
Responsiveness involves recognizing when your partner is in need of emotional support and offering it in a way that is attuned to their specific needs. This builds a sense of trust and reliability in the relationship.
Example:
– Situation: The male partner has had a particularly stressful day at work and is feeling overwhelmed by the responsibilities he carries, both financially and emotionally. He comes home looking visibly tired and anxious.
– Response: The female partner notices his stress and takes the initiative to offer support. She might say, “You seem really stressed—do you want to talk about what’s going on? Maybe I can help or just listen if that’s what you need right now.”
In this scenario, the female partner is being attentive to her partner’s emotional state and is offering her support in a way that meets his needs. This can help the male partner feel understood and cared for, which in turn strengthens the emotional bond between them.
3. Building Emotional Safety Through Vulnerability
Secure attachment is fostered when both partners feel safe to express their true feelings and vulnerabilities without fear of judgment or rejection. Encouraging each other to be open about their insecurities and fears can lead to deeper emotional intimacy.
Example:
– Situation: The female partner has been holding back on discussing her feelings of inadequacy because she fears it will burden her partner. However, she decides to open up during a quiet moment.
– Response: She might say, “I’ve been feeling really anxious about how our income differences affect our relationship. I worry that I’m not doing enough, and it’s making me feel distant from you. I’m scared you might think less of me because of it.”
In response, the male partner could express his own vulnerabilities, saying, “I had no idea you were feeling this way. I sometimes worry too—like maybe I’m not making you feel secure enough, and that really concerns me. I don’t want money to come between us.”
This exchange allows both partners to see each other’s vulnerabilities, which can lead to a stronger, more empathetic connection. By sharing these fears, they are building a foundation of emotional safety where both feel accepted and valued for who they are, not just what they contribute financially.
4. Creating Good Habits for Connection
Developing small, consistent habits for connection can reinforce the emotional bond between partners and offer regular opportunities to nurture the relationship.
Example:
– Situation: The couple decides to implement a weekly “check-in” where they set aside time to talk about their feelings and how they’re doing as a couple. During these sessions, they make it a point to express gratitude for each other’s contributions, whether emotional, practical, or financial.
– Response: For instance, the female partner might say, “I really appreciate how you handled that stressful situation at work this week—it reminded me of how strong and capable you are.” Meanwhile, the male partner might express, “I loved how you planned that surprise date night; it made me feel so loved and cared for.”
These rituals help to regularly affirm their connection and remind each other of the value they both bring to the relationship, beyond just financial contributions.
5. Encouraging Mutual Growth and Shared Goals
When partners actively support each other’s personal and professional growth, they contribute to a sense of shared purpose and mutual respect. This can help shift the focus away from income disparity and toward a more holistic view of partnership.
Example:
– Situation: The male partner learns about a professional development course that could help the female partner advance in her career, and he encourages her to pursue it.
– Response: He might say, “I’ve been thinking about how talented you are, and I found this course that could really help you take your skills to the next level. I’d love to support you in taking it if that’s something you’re interested in.”
By encouraging her growth, the male partner shows that he values her ambitions and wants to see her succeed, which can help mitigate feelings of inadequacy related to income. Simultaneously, the female partner might express her support for the male partner’s goals, offering encouragement and assistance as he pursues his aspirations.
Conclusion
By developing and practicing these secure attachment behaviors, the couple can foster a deeper emotional connection, helping them to move beyond financial concerns and create a relationship grounded in mutual trust, respect, and emotional intimacy. These changes require conscious effort and may take time, but they offer a pathway to a more resilient and fulfilling relationship where both partners feel valued and loved for who they are, not just what they contribute financially.
By Ari Sotiriou M.A. psychodynamic psychotherapist co-founder Online Therapy Clinic