Relationships are often thought of as a refuge, a place to experience safety, intimacy, and trust. Yet some relationships begin in ways that destabilise these very foundations. When a new romance begins with “mate poaching”—the act of pursuing someone who’s already committed to someone else—there’s a particular intensity, a thrill in the chase, yet often an undercurrent of unresolved tension and ambivalence.
From a psychoanalytic perspective, mate poaching can serve as a mirror reflecting the unconscious aspects of our psyche. Through this lens, mate poaching isn’t merely about finding an appealing partner; it’s also about unresolved internal conflicts, attachment needs, and desires shaped by early-life experiences. Examining these factors can offer insight into why some people are irresistibly drawn to those who are unavailable and, importantly, how these dynamics can be understood and worked through in therapy.
Understanding the Draw to the Unavailable
Mate poaching is more common than we might assume, and it can appear in both heterosexual and homosexual relationships alike. Studies have shown that mate poaching is influenced by various personality factors—like attachment styles and narcissistic traits—as well as environmental and social influences. However, a psychoanalytic approach goes beyond personality traits, asking why someone might engage in these behaviours repeatedly or feel a deeper pull toward unavailable partners.
From this perspective, mate poaching isn’t solely about “winning” a partner; it can also be a way of working through unresolved conflicts, often stemming from childhood. The chase for an unavailable partner may echo patterns established in formative relationships, particularly with primary caregivers. For instance, if one’s early environment was emotionally inconsistent or dismissive, a desire for closeness may be intertwined with a fear of rejection, creating an internal paradox that plays out later in romantic relationships.
Attachment and Longing in Mate Poaching
In psychoanalysis, attachment theory is often a key point of focus, as early attachment patterns form the blueprint for adult relationships. If someone grows up with a parent who is emotionally unavailable or inconsistently present, they may develop an ambivalent attachment style. As adults, they might seek out partners who are emotionally distant or physically unavailable, essentially recreating the dynamics of their early relationships.
This dynamic can give rise to mate poaching tendencies in two distinct ways:
• The Poacher: For some, there is an unconscious need to test whether they are worthy of another’s love and attention. Winning over someone who is already committed may serve as proof of their own desirability or value.
• The Poached: On the other side, those who are poached may unconsciously position themselves as desirable by remaining partially unavailable. The committed status can create a subtle distance, a protective barrier that allows them to enjoy admiration from afar without fully engaging emotionally.
Each role reflects deeper, often hidden, emotional needs and fears. Mate poaching, therefore, becomes a way of unconsciously enacting unresolved conflicts within romantic relationships, often leading to unintended harm.
A Clinical Example: Martin and Alex
To illustrate how these dynamics can appear in real-life contexts, consider the composite case of Martin and Alex, a gay couple who sought couples therapy after a particularly turbulent year.
Martin is a 40-year-old academic who has struggled with insecure attachment since childhood. Growing up with a mother who was warm but often absent due to her own mental health struggles, Martin learned to seek connection while expecting it to be fleeting. His relationship with his long-term partner, Alex, had been stable for nearly a decade. However, during the last year, Martin had become romantically involved with someone from work, and their encounters intensified over time.
Alex, a software developer, came from a close-knit, supportive family but had a history of relationships with emotionally unavailable men before meeting Martin. When Martin disclosed his affair, Alex was devastated. In therapy, it emerged that this was not Martin’s first instance of emotional entanglement with someone else during their relationship. Although he was committed to Alex, he often found himself drawn to others in subtle ways, often those who were already attached.
As the therapist explored Martin’s experience, it became clear that the underlying pattern of “poaching” stemmed from deep-seated fears of abandonment and low self-worth. The act of pursuing someone unavailable allowed Martin to momentarily alleviate his anxieties by proving his desirability. Yet these relationships inevitably left him feeling unfulfilled, as the romantic validation he received from an unavailable partner could never replace the deeper sense of security he longed for.
In Alex’s case, his distress was compounded by feelings of betrayal and worthlessness. He had previously attracted unavailable partners, yet with Martin, he had felt a hope for real commitment. This experience forced him to confront his own recurring pattern of choosing emotionally ambivalent partners, which he recognised as a reenactment of his early relationships with his distant father. Through therapy, both partners could begin to see these unconscious dynamics more clearly.
Mate Poaching as a Defence Mechanism
In the case of Martin and Alex, mate poaching functioned as a defence mechanism, a way for Martin to deal with the anxiety of commitment. In psychoanalysis, we understand that defence mechanisms protect us from uncomfortable feelings, often by creating distance from the very people we care about. Martin’s unconscious strategy allowed him to maintain a sense of control in his primary relationship with Alex by keeping a part of his emotional energy tied up elsewhere.
This unconscious manoeuvre prevented full intimacy with Alex while simultaneously reinforcing Martin’s self-image as desirable. Yet, this strategy also resulted in feelings of guilt and emotional distance. As a defence, mate poaching allowed Martin to avoid facing the vulnerability that true intimacy requires. By focusing his desire on someone unavailable, he could maintain a comfortable emotional distance, avoiding the rawness that might arise in a fully open, mutual relationship.
Why People Engage in Mate Poaching
Psychoanalytic theory offers several possible explanations for why individuals engage in mate poaching or are drawn to those who do. Key insights include:
1. Repetition Compulsion: From a Freudian perspective, repetition compulsion suggests that people unconsciously repeat patterns of past relationships to gain mastery over unresolved conflicts. The repeated pursuit of unavailable partners can be a way to “rewrite” the painful narrative of early relationships.
2. Idealisation and Devaluation: The unavailable partner may be idealised as a fantasy, representing the “perfect” partner in ways that no real person could fulfill. Yet this fantasy often crumbles if the poached partner becomes fully available, leading to disappointment and, often, the end of the relationship.
3. Fear of Abandonment: For many, the pursuit of someone unavailable is less about desire for the person and more about an unconscious strategy to avoid being alone. If one has a history of abandonment or inconsistent caregiving, pursuing an unavailable partner allows them to avoid confronting their own fear of being left.
4. Narcissistic Reinforcement: Engaging with a committed partner can bolster one’s self-esteem, providing an external validation that temporarily fills internal gaps. However, these gains are typically short-lived, often followed by guilt, emptiness, or conflict.
Working Through Mate Poaching in Therapy
For those who feel drawn to unavailable partners—or find themselves in relationships characterised by mate poaching—psychoanalytic or psychodynamic therapy can provide a path toward understanding and change. Here are a few ways therapy can be beneficial:
1. Identifying Unconscious Patterns: Through therapy, individuals can examine past relationships, tracing the origins of current behaviours. By recognising these patterns, they can begin to break the cycle of mate poaching and seek healthier, mutually fulfilling relationships.
2. Developing Emotional Awareness: Therapy helps individuals develop a deeper awareness of their emotions and the defences they use to avoid vulnerability. In the case of mate poaching, individuals often use distance as a shield against the anxiety of intimacy, a process that can be gently explored and understood.
3. Building Security and Self-Worth: Many people who engage in mate poaching struggle with low self-worth. Therapy can foster a stronger sense of self by exploring and working through early attachment wounds, helping clients develop more secure relational patterns.
4. Strengthening Boundaries: In couples therapy, partners like Martin and Alex can work on setting and respecting boundaries, creating a sense of safety and trust. Recognising how unconscious behaviours impact each partner is often a key step in creating healthier relational dynamics.
Concluding Thoughts
Mate poaching may seem like an ordinary part of dating dynamics in a fast-paced world. But beneath the surface lies a complex web of psychological motivations, often reflecting unresolved early attachment wounds, fears of abandonment, and patterns of self-worth.
Understanding and working through these issues within a psychoanalytic framework offers a path toward healthier relationships—both for those who poach and for those who find themselves repeatedly in these dynamics. Therapy can illuminate hidden patterns, allowing individuals and couples to develop deeper, more stable connections that honour their needs for both intimacy and security.
Whether in individual or couples therapy, exploring mate poaching can be a powerful step towards relational growth. By addressing the unconscious drivers behind these behaviours, we can move toward relationships rooted not in the thrill of the chase but in genuine trust, intimacy, and mutual care.
By Ari Sotiriou M.A. Psychodynamic Psychotherapist asotiriou@online-therapy-clinic.com