Couples therapy often carries misconceptions that can create false expectations or discourage people from seeking help. For therapy to be effective, it’s crucial to understand what it can and cannot do. In this post, we’ll address what couples therapy is NOT, clarify common misunderstandings, and explain some of the wrong reasons for attending—with examples to bring these points to life.
What Couples Therapy Is NOT
1. A Fix for One Partner
Therapy is not a place to put all the blame on one person. Both partners play a role in the dynamics of a relationship, even if the issue feels one-sided.
Example:
In a session, Sarah says:
“The problem is him! He never listens to me. I don’t need to change—I just need him to be different.”
A skilled therapist might respond:
“It sounds like feeling unheard is a significant issue for you, Sarah. Let’s also explore how you communicate your needs to him and how he might respond better.”
The therapist helps both partners take responsibility rather than focusing solely on one person as “the problem.”
2. A Quick Fix
Deep-rooted issues like communication breakdowns or trust violations cannot be resolved in one or two sessions. Therapy is a process that requires time, consistency, and effort.
Example:
After just one session, Mark says:
“I thought we’d leave here with everything fixed. Why isn’t she forgiving me already?”
The therapist might explain:
“Healing and rebuilding trust takes time. This first session is about understanding what led to the issue and creating a plan for moving forward together.”
Couples therapy is not a magic wand; it’s a commitment to a process.
3. A Platform to Win Arguments
Couples therapy is not about “proving” who’s right or wrong but about understanding each other’s perspectives and finding solutions together.
Example:
During a session, James interrupts Maria to say:
“See, even the therapist thinks you’re overreacting!”
The therapist may gently intervene:
“Therapy isn’t about taking sides. Let’s focus on why this situation feels significant to Maria and how both of you can work through it together.”
This approach shifts the focus from blame to collaboration.
4. A Guarantee to Save the Relationship
While therapy often strengthens relationships, it doesn’t guarantee reconciliation. For some couples, therapy helps clarify that separation is the healthiest option.
Example:
During a session, Lisa says:
“I don’t think I want to stay in this relationship, but I’m scared of hurting him.”
The therapist might respond:
“It’s okay to feel uncertain. Let’s explore what staying together or parting ways would look like for both of you and how we can approach that with care.”
Therapy provides a safe space for such difficult conversations, even if the outcome isn’t reconciliation.
5. Individual Therapy for Two
Couples therapy focuses on the relationship rather than solely addressing personal issues. If individual mental health challenges or trauma are affecting the relationship, individual therapy may be recommended alongside couples work.
Example:
During a session, Tom shares:
“I get angry because of things I went through growing up—it’s not about her.”
The therapist might say:
“It sounds like your past experiences are affecting how you respond in your relationship. While we work on that dynamic here, individual therapy could help you explore those deeper feelings further.”
This ensures that both the relationship and individual needs are addressed appropriately.
Misunderstandings and Misconceptions
“Therapy is only for relationships in crisis.”
Many believe couples therapy is a last resort. In reality, it’s also a proactive tool to prevent problems or navigate transitions.
Example:
Emma and Jack, a newly engaged couple, attend therapy to strengthen their communication before marriage. They learn strategies to handle disagreements and deepen their connection—before issues arise.
“The therapist will take sides.”
A common fear is that therapists will favor one partner. In truth, therapists remain neutral, guiding both partners to understand each other.
Example:
During a session, Rachel says:
“You’re going to tell him he’s wrong, right?”
The therapist responds:
“I’m here to help both of you communicate and work through this together. Let’s focus on understanding why this is so important to each of you.”
This reassures the couple that therapy is a safe, balanced space.
“Therapy will make things worse.”
It’s natural to worry that therapy will dredge up unresolved issues. While it can bring up uncomfortable emotions, it also provides tools to address them constructively.
Example:
During a session, Brian says:
“We’ve been arguing more since starting therapy—maybe this was a mistake.”
The therapist might explain:
“It’s normal to feel some tension as you start to confront issues that were buried. The key is to keep working through them together.”
Therapy encourages growth, even if it feels uncomfortable at times.
Wrong Reasons for Attending Couples Therapy
1. To Change Your Partner
Therapy is not about molding your partner into the person you want them to be.
Example:
Lucy says:
“I need him to stop being so selfish. That’s why we’re here.”
The therapist might redirect:
“What are some ways both of you can work on creating a relationship that feels balanced and supportive?”
2. To Validate Your Perspective
Attending therapy to have your feelings validated while ignoring your partner’s will stall progress.
Example:
During a session, Adam says:
“You agree with me, right? She’s the one in the wrong.”
The therapist might respond:
“Let’s explore how both of you experience this situation and what changes you both might need.”
3. As an Ultimatum
Using therapy as a threat creates resistance and undermines its collaborative purpose.
Example:
Sophia says:
“I told him if he didn’t come to therapy, I’d leave.”
The therapist might address this directly:
“I understand therapy feels important to you, but for it to be effective, both partners need to engage willingly.”
4. To Avoid Personal Accountability
Blaming your partner while refusing to examine your own behavior won’t lead to meaningful change.
Example:
Ben says:
“I wouldn’t act this way if she weren’t so difficult.”
The therapist might challenge this:
“Let’s look at how both of your responses contribute to this pattern and what changes could help break it.”
What Couples Therapy IS
Couples therapy is a supportive, non-judgmental space where partners work together to:
• Improve communication
• Resolve conflicts constructively
• Rebuild trust and intimacy
• Gain clarity about the relationship’s future
Whether you’re navigating challenges, seeking to deepen your connection, or exploring the next chapter of your relationship, couples therapy can be a transformative journey—but only when approached with openness, commitment, and realistic expectations.
Are you ready to explore how couples therapy could help you? Take the first step by reaching out to a qualified professional today.