Modern relationships often come with high expectations. We seek deep emotional connection, fulfilling physical intimacy, and the comfort of shared lives. But for many couples, cohabitation slowly transitions into something more perfunctory. What was once a relationship full of vitality becomes a living arrangement where partners feel more like flatmates than lovers. Popularly known as “Flatmate Syndrome,” this phenomenon describes the erosion of emotional and physical intimacy within a couple.
While practical advice like planning date nights or open communication can offer temporary relief, the psychoanalytic perspective encourages us to dig deeper. Why do relationships slip into such a state, and what unconscious dynamics contribute to this disconnection? To answer these questions, we turn to object relations theory and the work of Donald Winnicott, whose insights into early attachment shed light on adult relationships.
Cohabitation as a Transitional Space
Living together is often seen as a milestone, a sign of security and shared commitment. But cohabitation also creates a “transitional space” — an environment where the boundaries between self and other blur. Drawing from Winnicott’s concept of the good enough mother, we see that just as a mother provides a holding environment for an infant to explore independence, partners in a relationship create a similar psychological holding environment for one another.
In healthy relationships, this environment balances individuality and togetherness. Partners feel safe to express vulnerabilities while maintaining their own identities. But when the holding environment falters — through neglect, criticism, or an overemphasis on independence — one or both partners may retreat emotionally. Instead of a shared home, the couple inhabits parallel psychological worlds.
Emotional Withdrawal: An Unconscious Defence
Object relations theory, which explores how early relationships shape our internal world, offers a lens to understand this withdrawal. From birth, we internalise our caregivers as “objects” — not physical items but mental representations of those who meet our needs. These objects influence how we navigate relationships throughout life.
When a couple experiences “Flatmate Syndrome,” it’s often a sign that one or both partners are unconsciously activating defensive mechanisms rooted in early attachment patterns. Emotional withdrawal, for instance, can reflect fears of abandonment or engulfment. A partner who withdraws emotionally might have experienced inconsistent caregiving in childhood, learning to suppress vulnerability to avoid disappointment.
Similarly, a partner who clings or complains about the lack of intimacy may be reenacting an unmet need for attention from a caregiver. In both cases, the present relationship becomes a battleground for unresolved early conflicts. Without awareness, the couple risks falling into a cycle of blame and resentment, each partner feeling unseen and unmet.
The Role of the “Good Enough” Partner
Winnicott’s concept of the good enough mother provides a powerful metaphor for addressing this dynamic. A good enough mother doesn’t meet her child’s every need perfectly but provides enough consistency and attunement to foster security. In relationships, partners must strive to be “good enough” for each other, acknowledging their own limitations while remaining present and emotionally available.
This doesn’t mean perfect communication or unending harmony. Rather, it’s about cultivating an environment where rupture and repair can coexist. Conflicts and disconnections are inevitable, but they don’t have to signal the end of intimacy. A good enough partner listens, reflects, and takes responsibility for their part in relational struggles, fostering trust and reconnection.
When Intimacy Fades: The False Self in Relationships
Another key concept from Winnicott is the false self, a persona we develop to gain acceptance or avoid conflict. In relationships, partners often adopt false selves to maintain harmony, suppressing their true desires or emotions. This dynamic can be particularly pronounced when the couple faces external pressures, such as demanding careers or parenting responsibilities.
Over time, the reliance on false selves leads to a sense of stagnation. The relationship feels safe but unfulfilling, and intimacy dwindles because neither partner is fully present. Reviving the connection requires peeling back these layers of inauthenticity, allowing partners to confront their true selves and their true needs.
Rekindling Connection: A Psychoanalytic Approach
So how can couples overcome “Flatmate Syndrome” in a way that fosters lasting intimacy rather than temporary fixes? From a psychoanalytic perspective, the goal isn’t just to restore physical or emotional closeness but to explore and transform the unconscious dynamics at play.
Here are some steps that align with this deeper approach:
1. Reflect on Early Attachments
Encourage each partner to consider how their childhood relationships influence their current patterns of intimacy. Did they feel securely attached to their caregivers, or were they often left feeling unseen or unworthy? By understanding these early dynamics, couples can begin to see how they shape their expectations and fears within the relationship.
2. Create Space for Authenticity
Many couples drift into parallel lives because they suppress aspects of themselves to avoid conflict or rejection. Therapy can help partners reclaim these hidden parts, fostering a relationship where both individuals feel safe to be themselves. This might involve expressing long-held frustrations or rediscovering neglected passions and desires.
3. Embrace Rupture and Repair
Every relationship experiences moments of disconnection. Rather than fearing these ruptures, couples can view them as opportunities for growth. When one partner feels hurt or neglected, the other can practice “good enough” responsiveness by acknowledging the pain and working towards repair. This process builds resilience and deepens trust.
4. Revitalise Shared Meaning
One of the hallmarks of “Flatmate Syndrome” is a lack of shared purpose. Partners become so consumed by their individual routines that they lose sight of their collective identity. Psychoanalytic therapy encourages couples to explore what brought them together initially and what shared values or dreams they can cultivate moving forward.
5. Reignite the Transitional Space
Returning to Winnicott’s idea of a holding environment, couples can intentionally recreate a space for play and creativity within the relationship. This might involve exploring new activities together, re-establishing rituals of connection, or simply spending time in each other’s company without the distraction of screens or obligations.
Moving from Surviving to Thriving
“Flatmate Syndrome” is not simply a symptom of modern life or the pressures of cohabitation. It is a window into the unconscious dynamics that shape all relationships. By examining these dynamics through the lens of object relations theory and Winnicott’s ideas, couples can move beyond surface-level solutions and address the deeper roots of their disconnection.
True intimacy requires more than practical fixes; it demands courage, self-awareness, and a willingness to embrace vulnerability. When partners commit to this journey, they can transform their relationship from a space of survival into one of mutual growth and thriving.
In the end, the work of rekindling a relationship isn’t about eliminating conflict or perfectly meeting each other’s needs. It’s about creating a holding environment where both partners feel safe to explore their inner worlds and share them with one another. It’s about being “good enough” — not perfect, but present and committed to the process of connection.
By Ari Sotiriou M.A. Psychodynamic Psychotherapist asotiriou@online-therapy-clinic.com